A Recovering Alcoholic’s 10 Tips on How to Survive College

It took me nine years to graduate from college. When I finally did graduate, the only people invited to my party were 13 strippers and a bartender. The cocaine, alcohol and weed were funded by money I swindled from my grandfather's inheritance.

During the many years it took me to graduate, I attended nine rehab facilities and three colleges. I eventually received a bachelor’s degree in music business and today, I write TV commercials, have been sober for three and a half years and have completed all 12 steps.

I f*cked up my college experience, fixed it, f*cked it up again, scooted to the finish line and I’m still around to reflect on every moment. So yeah, by now, I’m definitely qualified to give 10 tips on how to succeed in college.

10. Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously

Guess what? If you’re not going to be a doctor, a lawyer or a really good scientist, your grades don't matter so much.

Don't get so stressed out. Do your best, but at the same time, don’t become one of those kids who bases his or her entire sense of self-worth on a letter grade.

During a job interview, they don’t ask for your GPA — hell, most don’t give two sh*ts. They care about whether or not you have a degree and whether or not you can do the job. Period.

9. Use A Condom

Do they feel good? No. Do I like them? No. You have to wear them, though; it’s non-negotiable.

If you’re a female, well okay, you don’t have to “wear” one, but you better make sure Jimmy has a condom on his Jimmy. You’ll have plenty of time for unprotected sex in the future, but now isn’t that time.

Try making it to class with baby sling strapped around your neck. I don’t want one hanging from my neck when I’m getting ready for a tailgate party or when I’m pedaling my ass off trying to get to my chemistry midterm. Also, abortions are expensive as hell.

8. Get A Hobby

You’ll need something to distract you from the boring stress of school.

Here are the hobbies I chose: drinking, snorting Ritalin, snorting cocaine, eating mushrooms, smoking pot, drinking mushroom tea, drinking some more, having sex and smoking a tad more pot. You should probably choose something different.

Join an intramural sport, act in a play, go running, hiking or start your own video game league. Just make up fun stuff to do that doesn’t involves sex and drugs. You’ll make friends, have fun and be way more motivated to study.

Endorphins released through laughter and exercise are far more conducive to concentration and a good work ethic than the synthetic ones released by chemicals.

7. Get A Part-Time Job

The number-one thing all college kids complain about is money. They have none, but you — part-time job college kid — have a few hundred bucks from your 20 hours at Black Jack Pizza. This makes you the campus millionaire.

Jobs create a sense of purpose, provide structure and provides another environment in which to learn. The student who works during school WILL BE miles ahead of the frat boy (who can’t stomach one ounce of work ethic) once real life beings.

6. Call Your Mom Once A Week

Not once a day, not once a moth, but once a week. It's simple enough. It’ll make your mom feel better and will make her feel like her money is being well spent.

First of all, it’s respectful. She carried your ass inside of her for nine months. The least you can do is let her know you haven’t been shot.

Also, mothers have been there before. You might think you’re getting great advice from Bubba the pothead, but trust me, moms know what they’re talking about.

5. If You Drive Drunk, You Will Get Caught

You may even kill someone. It’s much harder to get good grades in cellblock B than in a dorm room.

Also, that fancy degree you worked so hard for... well, it’ll be much harder to pay off when you can’t get a job (because you have a felony on your record, dumbass).

One more little tip, you can also get a ticket for biking while intoxicated. Yeah, that’s right, mountain biking while drunk. You can also get one for riding a razor scooter or roller blading, while smashed. Trust me I got my BUI, SUI and ROI in the same month.

4. Go To Class Every Day

About 97.45 percent of students who go to class each day finish school in four years. Yes, I made that up, but it’s 100 percent true that if you commit to never missing a class, it’ll be pretty damn hard to fail. Plus, it’ll prepare you for the daily grind of a real job.

Also, say you’re in a jam and need extra time on a paper or a few extra credit points. The teacher who sees you every day is the teacher who’ll likely help you out.

3. Don’t Do Any Drugs Besides Weed

Don’t do it and don’t even think about it. Drugs other than pot can turn the kid who has no history of addiction into a full-blown addict. Drugs change your body, your brain and your life.

Listen I’ve tried them all and can tell you that you shouldn’t. There’s absolutely nothing to be gained from doing hard drugs. Not one moment, one friend or one feeling is worth it.

2. Don’t Move In With The Person You’re Banging

If you follow tip number nine, this shouldn’t be a problem.

Okay I get it, you love her. You can move in together the day you graduate, but not a minute before. But, this only causes problems; you’ll be unfocused, you’ll have no personal time and your chances of getting her pregnant drastically increase. Condoms break, buddy.

You’re not at college to get married — you’re at college to get a degree, have fun and go out. I moved in with a chick and a week later I hated her. You will, too.

Get to know people; talk to them, laugh with them, be yourself. Moving in with the person you're banging takes your entire college experience and reduces it to a trivial, self-defeating, bad soap opera.

1. Don’t Drink Every Day

Period.

Photo Courtesy: 50 Shades of Grey