The holiday season: For some, it's the best time of year.
For others, it's the worst.
Holidays are great because you have an excuse to have the Hallmark channel on 24/7, wear oversized sweaters and unapologetically indulge in your favorite seasonal treats.
You get to catch up with friends and see your family.
God willing, the family pets are still kicking.
Holidays can also cause the most emotional distress. They can force you to reevaluate your life in ways you may never expect.
One minute, your favorite thing in the world is chocolate cake, and the next, you find yourself questioning why the dessert seems to tickle your fancy.
Hormones, man. They don’t make sense.
Some feelings come and go, but almost every year, I find myself working through these same thoughts that proceed the holidays:
1. I’m alone, again.
A year of failed relationships have come and gone.
What do I have to show for them? Intangible, emotional baggage and a larger jean size.
Who is going to take cute ice skating pictures with me at the Rockefeller Center? Who will accompany me to the annual tree lighting ceremony?
It’s “cuffing season,” and I have no one to cuff.
Damn you holiday rom-coms, you’ve set me up for a loss already!
2. What am I? Jewish? Christian?
I know this sounds like a joke, but it’s the truth. Mom is Christian, and Dad is Jewish.
I consider myself neither. I’m actually just “spiritual.”
I feel like people in America are, for the most part, "culturally religious" around the holidays.
So which religion do I lean toward? Maybe Jewish because hey, there's no Hell.
Can I ask for gifts even if the jig is up about Santa?
I don’t care what anybody says; presents are f*cking amazing. I love them.
Maybe it’s the child inside me, but I can’t help it.
When I was a kid, Christmas morning was the best.
Since then, as you can imagine, the “controversy” around Santa kinda ruined it for me. If I pretend to believe, do you think my parents would buy me something I can’t get with minimum wage?
3. How soon can I start listening to holiday music?
I love holiday music. It just takes me back to my childhood.
I wish there were Jewish carols. There are like four songs out there for Hanukkah, and they’re f*cking horrible.
It’s funny to me the vast majority of Christmas songs were written by Jewish people, yet they haven’t come up with anything good for their own holiday. Tsk, tsk.
Can I spend my weekends watching holiday programming?
Holiday movies, episodes, channels, you name it.
As far as I’m concerned, the Lifetime and Hallmark channels are my life support.
There’s nothing like watching an romance unfold between two average-looking people to instill hope in your unsuccessful, romantic life.
4. Which coast do I spend it on?
My family and home friends are in Los Angeles, but all my college friends are in New York City.
Being bicoastal is both expensive and stressful.
Can they invent teleportation already?
5. What have I been doing with my life?
Really, what have I been doing?
I need to get my sh*t together and start acting like an adult.
No more superfluous expenditures. It's time to buckle down and focus on my career.
Should I set up a retirement fund? Probably. God, I’m behind.
6. Is it New Years yet?
I need to get drunk already.
This madness has got to stop.
Here’s to another year where I accomplished virtually nothing. Cheers!
As the holidays approach, I brace myself for another year of cheer and seasonal existentialism.