Dedicated to our idol, our leader, our God: Michael Cera.
If you're reading this, there’s no doubt in your mind if you’re a socially awkward person. You already know who you are.
You knew after years of tripping over things and waving to strangers. You knew after making people visibly uncomfortable in elevators and across restaurants.
You know you're socially awkward because your friends are always hiding their expensive lamps and clothes when you come over, and somehow you still manage to spill wine on a white blouse they’re not even wearing.
You know because the waiter just stops coming over. You know because people have no problem telling you.
Being socially awkward doesn’t have to be a curse. You can live with it and have a normal life. In fact, if you've accepted it and learned how to rock it, you can become really f*king good at being socially awkward.
You could go so far and typecast yourself as the socially-awkward actor! You could make it to the big leagues! This is the age of the nerd, the geek and, now, the klutz. This is the time for your social awkwardness to shine!
Those who pull off socially awkward, those who can make you laugh instead of shy away when they mistake a homeless man for their friend who just got back from Iowa -- they're people to be respected. They're the ones who've learned how to make awkward, beautiful.
All you have to do is add a little swag to your missteps. Find a way to make klutzy seem cool and awkward, endearing. And if worst comes to worst, just always use an accent.
When you trip on the sidewalk, you're the first one laughing.
Strangers no longer make you embarrassed -- they make you the star of the show. You use them as your audience, your test subjects. There's no greater joy than making people you're never going to see again laugh or pity you.
When you accidentally wave to strangers, you give yourself a high-five instead.
Everyone does it, but only the socially-awkward person knows how to handle the awkward, floating hand he or she's naively flung into the air.
The socially-awkward person has mastered the art of following through every motion -- that a high-five may be more dramatic but it's way less pathetic.
When you hold the door open for someone way too soon, you just accept the position of the doorman.
If you're going to do it, you're going to do it right. That includes a possible British accent, an assumed stature and a dedication to standing there for at least five minutes to make it seem like you really wanted to play doorman.
When you combine two words, you actually make "grool" happen. (It's not going to happen.)
Maybe they're socially awkward or maybe they're artists? Only those who've consistently used awkwardly combined words understand an accident like "grool" doesn't happen every day (or maybe it does).
But they take the word and they run with it. It's part of them, part of their awkward repertoire.
When you're not sure if it's a hug, kiss or handshake, you just lick someone's face and pretend it’s how you do it.
Family encounters, international affairs and anything not known to be a straight-forward handshake is turned into an eclectic greeting that leaves people questioning if you were even raised by humans.
When you don’t know if you’re going left or right on the sidewalk, you turn it into a dance.
This could be an awkward situation, or it could be a chance to turn a stranger into a new friend. Or at least to turn that awkward two-step into a heart-felt tango.
When you forget someone's name, you just give him a random nickname... “Hey, Ice man!"
There is no such thing as a forgotten name -- just a new one. Because socially-awkward people are too awkward to admit when it's getting awkward, they'll just construct an elaborate scheme to get out of it.
This usually includes nicknames that while may be offensive, are most definitely original.
When you call for delivery and you're too ashamed to ask them to repeat your order, so you just eat whatever they send you.
Your palate has no limits, whether that was your decision or not. Unable to speak up in uncomfortable situations, socially-awkward people are always introduced to new foods and experiences based on the sole fact they can't speak up for themselves.
When you get a random stutter, you go into a beat boxing session.
Is there a chance for a lucrative rapping career? Probably not. But you've got guts and even if the talent eludes you, there's always a confidence and improv skill that people can't deny.
When you get caught in a lie, you just lie more.
Socially-awkward people will take a lie further than you knew a lie could go. They can stretch it month, years and redefine their life for it. They're masters of disguise and manipulation... even if everyone else sees through it.
When you make awkward noises during sex, you pretend you're really into "Star Wars" role play.
They'll never admit when they're wrong, or when something was out of their control. Socially-awkward will always pretend it was part of "the plan." And you know what, they're damn good at inventing new plans.