57 Ridiculous Thoughts A Guy Has When A Girl Isn't Texting Him Back

by Dan Scotti

There's an artistry to texting.

Simply put, the best texters are masters of their craft. Good texters have perfected the aspect of timing – where their replies are not too quick, yet never overly delayed.

Their use of emojis is not annoying in the least, and never obnoxious – but rather serve as the cherries on the top of their conversational ice cream, so to speak.

Satisfactory texting is a skill, and – like anything else – when it's present in someone, it's usually plain to see. Having said that, when one isn't all that well-versed with regard to virtual conversation... it's usually equally as obvious.

But, hey, converting your voice into "chat bubbles" isn't an easy task – and when women become involved, it ain't gettin' any easier.

Take it from me, I've seen some of the smoothest texters crumble under the pressure of sending a text to a girl they're interested in.

And if the women you're courting is "skilled in text," and tries testing you with the waiting game? Prepare to sweat like pre-weight-loss Jonah Hill in a Russian bath house.

Try and keep composure, the reply will come – IT ALWAYS COMES (except for those times when it doesn't). But until then, I'm sure your stream of consciousness resembled something like this.

1. Aight, I sent that text like half an hour ago – what’s the deal?

2. Eh, I guess she could just be playing hard to get.

3. Everyone knows answering texts in less than five minutes is a warning sign of desperation.

4. I respect it.

5. Having said that, if she doesn’t answer my text before that clock strikes 10 pm, I’m going to be forced to think she’s f*cking someone else.

6. I mean, It’s the only logical deduction.

7. What in God’s name else could she be doing right now that she wouldn’t be able to answer her phone?

8. Driving, I suppose.

9. Or showering.

10. Yep, she might be in the shower.

11. But for like 45 minutes? I doubt she still has hot water...

12. Not to mention – how f*cking dirty could she be?

13. All right, I’m over this.

14. Nevermind, I’m not.

15. She thinks she’s got me wrapped around her finger, I’m sure.

16. HA. If she ever does answer, I’m gonna wait like two f*cking weeks to ask “what’s up.”

17. Knowing my luck, I’ll get a “nmu” as I’m dropping my kid off to college.

18. I have like sh*t to do today – I can’t be sweating next to my phone all day like Jack Bauer trying to defuse a bomb.

19. Damn, she just favorited a tweet.

20. WTF, @Harry_Styles?

21. Is she f*cking kidding me?

22. Harry Styles thanks Amsterdam for his last concert, on Twitter, and that warrants a favorite.

23. I buy her dinner last night, and I can’t even get a f*cking text back.

24. I’m onto you.

25. I mean, she’s clearly using me.

26. That’s the problem with being a “nice guy,” you get taken advantage of.

27. Or maybe she thinks I’m a dick.

28. I knew I should’ve gone without the mousse.

29. Maybe her mom called her, and she’s having an extended conversation with her parents.

30. Yep, that’s probably it. She probably even asked her mom to “put the dog on the phone.”

31. She’s cute like that.



34. Maybe I’ll hit my ex up, too.

35. At least she always answers.

36. Kidding...

37. ...but in another few minutes and I won’t be.

38. Maybe I’ll just run over there.

39. I’ll make it seem like I lost something.

40. WAIT.

41. That’s the ticket!


43. Oh my God, I hope she’s OK without it.

44. I know how she gets when she’s not able to scroll through Instagram for a few hours...

45. She probably needs me.

46. Yeah, I’m just gonna run over there myself.

47. Oh, it’s snowing?

48. F*ck that then.

49. I’m paranoid, but not that paranoid.

50. I guess I’ll check the forecast, though, because when this snow does subside – I should probably head over.

51. Why does this sh*t always happen to me?

52. Like, I don’t get it. She can’t even bear to see my name pop up on her iPhone?

53. HOLD THE PHONES. What is this???? A Snapchat?!

54. PHEW. She’s in bed. I knew she had to be napping.

55. Wait, what the f*ck is that shadow next to her.

56. Judging by the trajectory of the lamp on her bedside, that physically cannot be her shadow.

57. F*ck this. Enough is enough. Where the hell are my snow boots?