Damn Kylie Jenner, where’d you come from? When did you take the spotlight as the Kardashian we’d most like to f*ck? As a pre-Kanye Kardashian follower, I don’t remember you being so sultry, your face being so perfectly symmetrical, and your lips, well your lips so pouty and full.
Looks like you’ve really grown up. No, wait, you haven't grown up. You’re still just 16. You’ve just gotten some light surgical procedures that have transformed you from mere mortal to Kardashian eye candy, complete with wax lips and Everlasting Gobstoppers.
With the recent crazes of Coachella, Snapchat and Willow Smith, Kylie Jenner has been all over the media lately. Whether it’s on Tumblr, People or Instagram, you’ve seen her newly pouted lips posing for a quick selfie in the Range Rover or on a white shag in Kris Jenner’s house. You’ve stared at her face, wondering when the awkward (only by comparison) younger sister got so hot?
Of course, our first assumption wasn’t plastic surgery. After 15 years behind the shadow of Kim’s ass, we thought we were glimpsing the youngest daughter's first steps out of the post pubescent cave. However, upon more careful reasoning, we realized that no one sprouts plump lips and a chiseled jaw line during puberty.
Contrary to her boobs, which the verdict is still out on, those lips didn’t grow overnight. That face, closer now to that of a 26-year-old, didn’t happen after the acne cleared and the hormones flattened.
No, that face is the work of a very expensive, very private doctor in California. That face is something that keeps me up at night. That face is the root of my recent lamenting and pondering that if a 17-year-old is getting minor surgical procedures and no one cares, should I be thinking about it too?
Because even though I know she got her lips injected, and most likely her chin shaved and skin pulled, I can’t stop thinking about how good she looks. I mean, damn, she looks great. It’s the kind of good look her sisters have, that plastic chic that’s managed not to melt in the sun.
Many of us tell each other, and our friends, that we’d never want to look like you, but I think what we really mean is, we wouldn’t want to look like you in 50 years. But right now, I can’t help but think that I should get some collagen injections and cheek implants. What do you think?
The answer to that question is obviously no. It’s a no without needing the confirmation of my disgusted mother or annoyed friends. It’s no for a few reasons. It’s no because we’ve already bore witness to the slippery slope of plastic surgery. We’ve seen the housewives, Joan Rivers and most importantly, Kylie’s father, Bruce Jenner, transform into collagen-filled zombies with slits for eyes and silicon for brains.
We know the ramifications that come with a full pout: constant injections or Carole Radziwill (which is truly a face only Steven Tyler could love). So if we’re really going to read between the lips, here’s what Kylie’s new mouth is saying to women. But like any mouth fed in the Valley, it’s not one you should be listening to.
People only talk about plastic surgery if it's bad
Kylie’s recent surgeries seem to attest to the idea that people only sh*t on you for getting plastic surgery if it doesn’t turn out right. If, like her gaggle of sisters or Megan Fox, the surgery complements your already defined features, you’re in the clear.
People will never talk bad about you for a good nose job, but when it comes to a bad one, we’re creatures prone to adding insult to injury. However, even if people are talking about how good her surgeries are, I’d still rather be the girl with the real face than the one with the fake face because, if you ask me, isn’t the natural look always in?
Your lip size is directly proportional to your hotness
You can’t deny that Kylie Jenner doesn’t look better with a full pout. Upon first glance, she’s definitely someone you’d give a second look. However, it’s by the fourth, or sixteenth look, that you realize it’s the kind of pout that doesn’t belong on the girl.
Her lips are unnatural, obviously artificial and likely to deflate in the next four months. While she may be basking in the limelight as the hottest 16 year-old in the cafeteria, she’s going to be running from another type of fame come the day Joan Rivers needs a replacement host.
The hotter you are, the more selfies you're allotted
Apparently, when you have a hot face, you deserve to flaunt it. That’s what selfies are for, aren’t they? Since the recent surgeries, we’ve most definitely seen an uptick in photos and wide angle shots of the puckered smile that alludes to the fact that she’s much naughtier than your average 16-year-old from California.
Contrary to how good she looks in all those photos, anyone with any sense of self-respect and pride sees right through them. Because there’s nothing worse than being vain over a beauty that’s not even rightfully yours.
Money can buy happiness
She's hotter, so she must be happier. There's no denying that money can bring many things. It can bring top surgeons, high class wardrobes and endless parades of Mercedes and Bentleys.
And while money can bring you fuller lips, bigger breasts and high cheekbones, it can't bring self-esteem. Yes, right now Kylie seems to be flaunting what she's bought, but she will soon grow used to the lips, (or they will deflate on their own) and she will start wondering what else she can change to make herself happier.
Happiness, like good plastic surgery, isn't guaranteed to last.
A better face means a better life
She seems to be having a lot of fun now that her lips are full and her skin is pulled. Ever since the pictures have surfaced of the minor's surgery, it even looks like her social life has improved to a level closer to that of her sisters (talk about a shallow society).
However, even if she's getting more invitations to parties and given that much more attention, it's not the life you would ever want. You know this deep down. You wouldn't want a life in which your parents, who, whether baited or not, allowed you to get surgery before you were even done developing.