This Is Why You'll End Up Getting Fired, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

by Rosey Baker
Comedy Central

In my opinion, someone who has never been fired from a job is not to be trusted.

These do-gooder types live their lives with zero reckless decisions logged into the adventure book of life, and they are probably really boring drinking partners.

So before you dive into this article, you corporate drones, ditch your holier-than-thou attitude.

Listen to what I'm about to say because I'M GOING TO LAY SOME TRUTH DOWN ON YOU, and it's going to SET YOU FREE.

Here's what is going get you fired, based on your zodiac sign. Embrace it.

Aries: Crashing the company car

Aries, you like to go fast. You like living on the edge, and you like testing the limits.

You're the toddlers of the zodiac, and what do toddlers do? They make a fantastic mess.

So when you're handed the keys to the company car and told it travels at the speed of light, the fact that you crash that thing before you make it out of the parking lot is kind of on them.

Taurus: Sleeping at your desk

"Don't rush me. I don't work well when I'm rushed," is the stubborn Taurus motto when it comes to deadlines.

Truthfully, you could work faster than anybody else in your office, if nobody was telling you what to do. You just don't like doing things on someone else's time.

It's your way or the highway, and if someone has the audacity to pressure you, you biologically react to their bossy attitude by going into a full-system shutdown.

Don't worry; they'll wake you up when it's over. And by over, I mean your nap, but also your job.

Gemini: Not making a decision

Jesus Christ, Gemini, just make up your stupid mind already. No wonder you share a sign with Donald Trump.

You've been given three tasks to complete today, and you spend three hours deliberating over which one you want to do first.

This isn't a "Choose Your Own Adventure" story; this is your job. Just DO YOUR JOB.

Oh wait, sorry. You just lost your job.

It's probably because you were busy arguing with me about how "not making a choice is the bravest choice you can make" because you're an obnoxious, one-man debate team.

Cancer: Hounding everyone to death with workplace chatter ("MONDAYS, AMIRITE?")

Cancer, stop trying to disguise nitpicking on people's workplace performance with "Office Space" jokes.

I swear to God, everyone just wants you to be a jerk. Handling everybody with kid gloves like you do is just... nonconsensual.

You're a sign that can't let anything go. Embrace it.

You're nurturing (because of your ridiculous mom issues), but we want a BOSS, not a PARENT.

Your employees are going to chase you out of the building with pitchforks if they have to keep listening to your awful dad joke and hacky lines like, "Working hard? MORE LIKE hardly working!"

Leo: Acting like you're above everybody

Yes, Madonna is a Leo, but you are not Madonna. You are an IT worker.

Of course, "you're meant for bigger things," Leo, and we believe you.

Your sign has charm for days, but you're also so filled with pride, it makes us all feel petty AF.

At least pretend to be pissed about how Michelle bogarts the copy machine like the rest of us, or you're going to really understand what petty means when your boss gives you the boot for always bragging about how you're better than everyone else.

Virgo: Judging everybody else

Virgo, if judging people burned calories, you'd look like Serena Williams.

You're so critical of others because you're just as hard on yourself, and if you were acting incompetent, you'd want to know what you could do to fix it.

So when you tell Becky that her work shoes make her look like the office whore, it's really on her for taking it personally.

Well, it was on her, until she lodged that complaint with HR, and you lost your job.

Libra: Blogging about your job with millennial despair

Libra, you're ruled by Venus, planet of the arts, so you started a blog as an artistic outlet. You're also an air sign, which makes you a gifted communicator.

Unfortunately, the planet of Venus didn't endow you with a solid understanding of Google Alerts, and when all your creative complaining about your company shows up in your bosses inbox, prepare to show up at the unemployment office.

Scorpio: Getting offended and forgetting your place

Scorpio, you're a badass.

You're not afraid to fuck your boss or your employee because you get off on the power play, and keeping your sex life hidden in plain sight sends you straight to O-town.

But when you see your conquest flirting in the lounge, those jealous Scorpio instincts kick in, and they're the only instincts you don't seem to have any control over.

This is sad because not only will you lose your job, but you'll also have to leave passionate desk sex behind.

Sagittarius: Getting so smashed you forget to show up

Sagittarians are likely to have a job that has them out on the road with a company card, free from the confines of cubicle life.

They're also most likely to blow that company money exploring the local bar scene.

Ruled by Jupiter, the planet of expansion, you're dedicated to a life of learning new things and meeting new people, expanding your mind and experiences in multiple ways.

Unfortunately, Jupiter can also lead to a lot of overindulgence, and when you wake up too hungover to remember you have a job, you'll be spared the responsibility of showing up ever again.

Capricorn: Making your boss feel incompetent

There's a reason the best employees are often assholes, and it's because they're Capricorns.

Deep down, every Capricorn has their eye on the prize, and the prize is taking their boss' job.

You don't care how long it takes, either. But you might make the mistake of making your boss feel like an idiot, answering his questions in highly technical language only a lawyer could unravel.

If you aren't careful enough, this will cost you your job. Play dumb every so often because losing your job is a living nightmare for a status-conscious sign like yourself.

Aquarius: Having zero compassion for your fellow human beings

Aquarians have a ton of friends, but no real connections. That's mostly because they don't know how to deal with people's emotions.

They're fantastic problem solvers, and they seem like they would be the perfect shoulders to cry on.

Well, until you try crying on one's shoulder, and they react with all the compassion of a bag of nails.

Aquarius, it's true that it would be hard to get fired for avoiding hysteria in the office, but when you're hired for a position like HR (because your sign is so good at improving the overall quality of a whole community), you need to have a little more compassion for the sum of its parts.

You're the water bearer, for Christ's sake. Bear some water or something. Your people are thirsty.

Pisces: Being yourself

Pisces, you're so busy daydreaming your life away you've most likely been fired from every job you've ever had.

This isn't a Beach Boys song. This is real life, and you suck at it.

Your work performance in general is like that of a person on a dangerous amount of Vicodin.

"Get your head out of the clouds," "stay on task" and "FOCUS!" are all phrases you have heard ad nauseum.

I just hope that by the time you're reading this article, you've finally come to the conclusion that you're much better suited to work for your damn self.