Why It’s Your Fault That You’re Single On Valentine’s Day
So it’s that dreaded time of the year when everyone has a boyfriend or significant other but you.
Kinda sucks, don’t it?
The Internet is full of nice, helpful advice telling you that you’re a special and unique snowflake, destined to meet Prince Charming any day now.
This is not that article.
We’d like to sugarcoat this for you, but have you ever considered that maybe this situation really is your fault after all?
So on Valentine’s Day, when you are sitting on the bathroom floor in your underwear, drinking a bottle of wine and singing Adele songs to your cat, please take note of the probable reasons why you're single:
1. You are annoying.
Like seriously, have you considered that? We’re guessing you haven’t, which is why you’re so goddamned annoying.
2. You’re a bad texter.
You probably should have analyzed that text more before sending it. An extra ‘x’ at the end might have won him over.
Now you’re doomed to walk the Earth alone.
3. You took too long to get ready.
During the “15 minutes” you spent straightening your hair to be "sexy messy," he was able to build his own Hadron Collider and artificially create a new girlfriend.
4. You won’t stay on your side of the bed.
It’s 150 degrees and you’ve forced him into a Cirque du Soleil balancing act on the edge of the bed because you are cold. Well, you know what else can’t regulate their own body heat? Snakes. Snakes can’t regulate their own body heat.
5. You wore the black dress instead of the red one.
Do you know how much attention men pay to your outfit? A lot. He’s now going out with the woman in the red dress. Tough break.
6. You made him watch HBO’s "Girls"
He then jumped from your balcony. Guess it’s dinner for one and wine for four all over again. But you’re used to that.
7. You wore your hair up.
Awful. What were you thinking?
8. You farted.
Even in private, that is disgusting. Cut it out.
9. You don’t own enough shoes.
There is one thing guys care about above all else – women's shoes. Honestly, the fact you wore the same pair of beige wedges twice in a fiscal quarter didn’t go unnoticed.
10. You told him about your sister’s baby for the 50th time.
Nobody cares about babies. The only people who are even remotely interested in newborn babies are the immediate relatives of the baby. And dingoes.
11. You called to say "hi."
Unless you suddenly find yourself in 1998, there is absolutely no reason to call anyone anymore.
12. You’ve got, like, a really bad voice.
Probably one of the reasons you’re annoying. You should do something about this. Maybe shutting up would help.
13. You haven’t updated your bedroom since 1999
Take that JTT poster down immediately. Unicorns are also stupid, which is why they were so easily hunted into extinction. However, racing car beds are still totally acceptable and really cool.
14. Pet names.
You use pet names such as cupcake, shmoopy, bubbles or any other name reserved for a fluffy, white dog. They are called pet names for a reason. The only pet names we are willing to permit are Batman or Robocop.
15. Mrs ______.
You started practicing your "new" signature once you found out his surname. This is particularly weird if you did this while trying to open a joint bank account.
Honestly, there are probably a host of other reasons as to why you’re single on Valentine’s Day, but don’t be too concerned about it. Just remember, nobody loves you every other day of the year either.
Top Photo Courtesy: We Heart It