I been drankin (cue Beyoncé vocals).
And, chances are, if I’ve been drinking, I’ve also probably made friends with some absurd people.
Hey, we’re human beings; we’re social by nature. This is why there are more than 6,000 different languages across the globe and a different social network for every day on the calendar.
There’s no abstract motivation behind it, either: We humans just like to gab. And if there’s anything that pairs well with banter, it’s some good old-fashioned (likely watered-down) booze.
I’m going to come clean with all of you. As a general rule of thumb, I’m not much of a “people person,” per se. I’m not much of a chit-chatter. Put it this way: I can barely endure listening to my own internal monologue during the hours I’m awake (which is spoken through the voice of Gilbert Gottfried).
So, do you think I’m looking to shoot the sh*t while I’m on the subway? (The answer is no.)
Now, having said that, if I was working with a little bit of a buzz on that subway? Man, I’d be the life of that 6-train party. But that’s liquor, for you. That’s liquor, baby.
I mean, you could see Kelsey Grammer standing cross-armed alone in the corner of the bar, feed him enough shots of Stoli and he’ll walk out of that bitch with more friends than he accumulated through 11 seasons of "Frasier."
There’s just something about alcohol that brings out the depths of our social predisposition. Most of the time, when people get drunk, they end up making (temporary) friends with people they probably wouldn’t have spoken to in a million (sober) years.
It’s creepy, but it’s not... because you’re drunk.
Here are 10 people you’ve probably befriended at some inebriated time or another.
10. Your Uber/Lyft/taxicab driver.
Although I doubt you’d ever hit up Yilmaz, your Uber driver, on a weekday afternoon to hit tennis balls at the local Y – you’d never be able to tell that from your chemistry on the way home after a night of drinking.
You played him all your favorite jams on Spotify, you vented about the Knicks – even though he admitted to knowing absolutely nothing about basketball.
Hell, you didn’t even mind that he took a few back roads to run up the meter, since you shadily threw up a little bit in the seat next to you.
9. The delivery guy.
Anyone who’s ever ordered SWI (Seamless While Intoxicated) has probably invited the delivery person inside his humble abode.
As a rule, it’s probably best to perform some form of a background check before inviting strangers into your home, but, the dude has chicken fingers for Christ's sake, so you always make the exception.
8. On-duty police officers.
Even though he’s giving you a citation for “being too loud” in f*cking public, you’ll still throw your arm around the officer’s shoulder and thank him for being a mensch and “not making this a bigger deal than it had to be.”
7. Anyone waiting on a line with you.
“Oh, you’re in line with hundreds of people? Me too. What are the odds? Let’s be friends until we get inside [the club, concert, rave] and are free to move around and speak to people we actually want to.”
“Yeah, totally... let’s, like, do it.”
6. The dude operating the hot food cart.
Remember how back in elementary school, anyone with like the newest, coolest set of Legos would instantly become friends with every kid in the class?
Yeah, that’s pretty much the same effect anyone with a Halal truck has on drunk Millennials outside the club.
5. The doorman.
There are usually two certainties on the morning after a night of drinking. First, you’ll be hungover. Secondly, you’ll probably find a reel of selfies with the doorman on your camera roll that you don't remember taking.
4. Anyone with cigarettes.
You’ll basically befriend anyone with a pulse and a pack of Marlboro 27s under the influence of alcohol.
The true test of your sobriety, or lack thereof, however, will come when you ask someone to mooch a smoke and his reply is, “Sorry man, I've only got Newports.”
...And you don’t really care.
3. The bathroom attendant.
Do you want to buy gum for $5? Nope.
Do you want to buy a bottle of water for $5? Nuh-uh.
Do you want to leave a tip, inexplicably, after only taking a piss in the urinal? Hell, no.
Do you want to shoot the sh*t with the bathroom attendant? Yep.
Why? Because it’s free and you’re too drunk to realize he’s just been sitting there watching dudes take pisses for the past few hours.
2. Your ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend.
“Oh, you’re banging my ex-girlfriend? Let me buy you a round or two, old chap.”
Whereas you probably would’ve (tried to) beat this f*cker’s ass if you had seen him while you were sober, after a few overpriced drinks from the bar, you feel a special “connection by association” with him, like two dudes who both played centerfield for the Yankees (well, considering how your relationship ended, maybe the Mets).
1. That kid you sort of recognize from college.
Although you didn’t associate with this kid for four years of undergrad (aside from a few awkward stints of eye contact in the dining hall), when you see him in the bar after graduation, you’ll always seem to pick up right where you never started.