Lies come in all different shapes and sizes, they’re like the pretzels of conversation. Generally speaking, however, there are two distinct families of deceit. On the one hand, there are white lies, or lies people tell for the betterment of the people around them. This would be like, hmm, when your platonic girl friend asks if she looks “sexy.”
And then there are blackout lies – lies people will tell for the betterment of themselves, under the influence of great amounts of alcohol.
“Blackout lies” are never intended, much like the greater “blackout” itself; however, they always seem to show up uninvited. Like, last month, I told some girl I was “in town” to play a qualification match for the US Open. She clearly didn’t buy it, and I clearly didn’t recognize her from high school.
If I had, I certainly wouldn’t have tried the “professional tennis player” gag. I probably would’ve told her I took over Apple after Steve Jobs left. And, yep, that one would have backfired too.
As you can see by now, “blackout lying” is a dangerous ball game. It’s not for the faint of heart – or anyone who’s sober enough to consider their own dignity.
Here are 11 other drunk lies we men tell that probably won’t work.
"I work in Finance."
What it means: I’m currently unemployed.
Why we use it: To salvage any hope of speaking to a girl at the bar, past the part when she asks where we work.
Used in a sentence: "I’m not sure how often you follow the stocks, but you’ve got me rising – sorry, bad joke, I work in finance."
Synonyms: I’m used to waking up early, I work on Wall Street; I work for one of the “Big Four”; I’m a tool; I taught Jordan Belfort everything he knew, he just got the fame
"I used to babysit Justin Bieber."
What it means: The first video of JB I saw on YouTube was his deposition – but if he could pull off the sh*t he did, in there – I at least stand a CHANCE to pull this off.
Why we use it: Because we have now, officially, hit lows more abysmal than even Bieber himself.
Used in a sentence: "Back when I used to babysit Justin Bieber, he never smoked pot – he was inspired by life."
Synonyms: I’m family friends with the Biebers, ironically; I went to camp with Justin Bieber; I used to be friends with Justin Bieber; I am Justin Bieber
"I could use another drink."
What it means: I don’t even know what a f*cking drink is at this point.
Why we use it: Because we need a little extra time to work our voodoo on some girl at the bar, but we’re too drunk to realize that we’re also about to puke.
Used in a sentence: "Yeah, let’s hang for a bit, I could use another drink."
Synonyms: L’chaim; yeah, another round; I could drink another use
"You can come back to my place to smoke."
What it means: I don’t REALLY smoke marijuana, so once I get you to my apartment – and there’s no pot – watch as I play it off like a “cool stoner” who must have “smoked all his pot and forgot.”
Why we use it: Because we’re trying to hit it.
Used in a sentence: "You wanna get out of here? You can come back to my place to smoke."
Synonyms: I’ve got pot back at my place; I’ve got pot and other drugs I can’t name back at my place; blunt party back at my place
"I just got out of a committed relationship."
What it means: The most committed relationship I’ve ever been in was with the dude at the deli who committed my bagel order to memory – before he got fired.
Why we use it: Because we want her to THINK we just got out of a committed relationship.
Used in a sentence: "Wow, that sounds terrible, I’ll never understand cheating – I just got out of a committed relationship, myself."
Synonyms: My girlfriend of four years cheated on me; I’m not really into flings; I’m all about that “connection”
"Yeah, I have a place, but we’re currently doing some renovation."
What it means: I don’t have a place, I actually live with my mom and dad.
Why we use it: Because we're pathetic, and – unless she’s trying to get kinky in a twin-sized bed – it would probably be best to go back to her place.
Used in a sentence: "Yeah, I have a place, but we’re currently doing some renovation – maybe we should go back to your spot."
Synonyms: I forgot my apartment key; my roommate’s friends from Europe are visiting all weekend; isn’t your apartment easier for you?
"Wow, it’s so refreshing speaking to you."
What it means: I zoned out to the baseball game on the TV behind you, shortly after you told me your name (which I have since forgot).
Why we use it: Because we want to create the illusion that we’re connecting deeply.
Used in a sentence: Wow, it’s so refreshing speaking to you – finally, a conversationalist!
Synonyms: You don’t seem like the rest of ‘em; I’m not like the rest of ‘em; I really enjoyed talking to you
"Oh, sorry, I 'deactivated' my Facebook after college."
What it means: My Facebook is about as active as your sorority is, but in the weeks prior to spring break, I just don’t want you to know that.
Why we use it: I don’t know, maybe because our “girlfriend” is in our profile pic, or something.
Used in a sentence: "Oh, sorry, I deactivated my Facebook after college – do you e-mail?"
Synonyms: I don’t use Facebook; ugh, Facebook; I hate human life/interaction
"I graduated from Cornell, with honors."
What it means: I didn’t go to Cornell, especially not with honors, and I’m finishing up a few loose credits – online – at the moment.
Why we use it: Because if we “actually tried” in high school, it totally could be true.
Used in a sentence: "Yeah, the foliage upstate is great this time of year – I graduated from Cornell, with honors."
Synonyms: I graduated from Cornell, with high honors; I graduated from Yale, with honors; I graduated from Brown, with honors; I graduated from Princeton, with honors; I graduated from Harvard, with honors; I graduated from Columbia, with honors; I graduated from Dartmouth, with honors; I graduated from Penn, with honors
"Oh, don’t worry about the drinks, it was my pleasure."
What it means: Buying you drinks certainly was not pleasurable, by any stretch of the imagination.
Why we use it: Because we want to appear fiscally stable, despite the fact that every utensil and napkin in our apartment was stolen from Chipotle.
Used in a sentence: "$40 shots? Oh, don’t worry about the drinks, my treat."
Synonyms: I got it under control; no biggie; if I’m not worrying about it, you shouldn’t be
"I was the captain of the football team in high school."
What it means: My parents pushed me into tennis at an early age.
Why we use it: Because we want you to think that we excel at “man stuff” – and there’s a slight chance the girl we’re currently courting was a cheerleader in high school.
Used in a sentence: "I hope these guys aren't looking for any trouble, I mean, I was the captain of my football team in high school."
Synonyms: I was the quarterback of the high school football team; I was the captain of the basketball team in high school; I played a little college ball for a bit; I’m athletic and socially prominent