Have you ever been told you suck at driving? It's OK to admit it. Really, I'm not here to reprimand you -- rather I'm here to relate to you and defend you.
Driving is f*cking difficult, and if anyone tells you otherwise... he's probably your father. And, sure, he may know everything there is to know about you and the world, but this is something he just can't fathom.
The only person who truly knows how hard it is to sit behind the wheel is you because no one else is sitting in that bumper-to-bumper traffic, praying with every pump of the gas pedal that you won't hit the fender of the person in front of you.
The DMV claims it's only putting safe drivers on the road by making them take a series of tests. Sure, they may have the right idea, but the execution has more than fallen flat.
Take me, for example. I took my road test at 15 years old in sunny South Florida behind the wheel of an oversized SVU. There was no highway driving, there was no parallel parking and there was certainly no limit on how many times I could f*ck up.
During my three-point turn, my tires went over the pavement, I was assured it was "fine" because the car width was wider than the street. Also, they took my license photo before the actual test. Oh, the test was conducted in a parking lot. Get it? Got it? Good.
Despite what they say, it's not like getting back on a bicycle.
Maybe you are home from your life in the big city or home from college for break -- anyway, you haven't driven in months.
Of course, you're going to be nervous getting back behind the wheel because even when this was a daily habit for you, it was nerve-racking.
I'm not sure what bicycle the people around you are riding because getting back behind the wheel is not even close to habitual.
Sure, you know the basics, but the feelings that start coming out are not fun to wrestle with, especially when you have to focus on staying in your lane.
Traffic cameras are real, and they will mail you tickets strategically designed to f*ck up your day.
You know those tricky red turning signals or those hard-to-see stop signs? There's probably a traffic camera somewhere near there ready and waiting for you to f*ck up.
Chances are you're in a relatively deserted area that wouldn't make sense for a cop to spend his day. But throw a camera out there that can catch your license plate in a hot second and get ready for the tickets to roll in.
Why is it that we can't navigate and listen to music?
WHY IS THIS THE HARDEST THING KNOWN TO MANKIND? It makes absolutely no sense why you can't just listen to music while trying to redirect yourself.
It's not as if you are even paying special attention to the song since you have no idea where you're even driving, but for some reason, this is something we all do.
Music is supposed to enhance and add to the driving experience, not destroy it. Hmm, maybe it's our directionally-challenged selves who are just making the situation so difficult?
The more people in your car, the harder it is to concentrate.
I guess this is just common sense, but for some reason, some things don't distract some people like they do others.
Passengers don't realize how difficult it is to drive, so they act in any damn way they please, oblivious to the fact that you're trying your best not to crash the car.
Road trips are your biggest nightmare.
You would literally pay someone to drive your car from point A to point B. In fact, you've actually done that on more than one occasion for different types of compensation...
"I'll buy the first three rounds of shots if you drive the first three hours..."
"I'll pay for a third of the gas if you just drive the entire way..."
If there's a way to get away from the steering wheel, that's the route you're taking -- and, yes, all puns intended.
The devil invented parallel parking.
People can't even figure out Tetris, but they're expected to know how to parallel park? I know people who've been driving for over 20 years, and they still can't even figure this out.
You know that scene in "Pitch Perfect" when Fat Amy discusses using Crystal Meth then thinks, "Ahh, better not"? That's how everyone feels attempting to parallel park.
Just suck it up and find the nearest parking garage pronto.