Resolutions are like StairMasters -- everyone has them, but no one actually uses them.
If I have one more person give me a laundry list of completely absurd and unattainable goals that won't ever be achieved -- even with a 20 mg prescription of Adderall -- I’m going to freak out.
I mean, come on guys, do you really think you’re going to cut out carbs for an entire year? The first night you get drunk, you’re heading straight to Domino's for some double stuffed crust.
Beyond that, saying that you’re going to lose 20 pounds is just going to be embarrassing after you end up gaining five from all the carbs you’re "not eating." Oh, and "not cursing," good luck with that.
Considering "f*ck" has taken the place of "very" in your vocabulary, I think you're going to have a very f*cking (sorry) hard time with that one.
These are not realistic goals, these are goals that delusional people make to try and feel better about how sh*ttily they spent the last year of their lives.
They think that by saying they will "stop eating" on January 1, it will make up for all the buttered rolls and McDonald's they put into their mouths the past 365 days.
But you don’t have to be like them. You don’t have to make completely irrelevant and unattainable goals that you unconsciously know you’ll never attempt.
You can make resolutions you’ll actually keep, ones that won’t make you end up knee deep in chocolate and vodka to drown the notion that you’re a failure just two days into the new year.
So instead of setting yourself up for failure, why don’t you set some resolutions that are actually worth making — and keeping.
Find a real hobby you can actually keep up
Don’t just do something because you think it would be cool to talk about. Find something you actually want to do and do it.
Do it as if it would be really sad that you said you were going to do something and then didn't.
Work on not being an assh*le
Instead of saying you’re going to change your entire personality, why don’t you just change the bitchy parts? It’s pretty easy to be nice, you just have to stop being mean…
Learn to be alone and like it
Instead of telling everyone you’re going to go out more, why don’t you learn how to stay in more? Because going out is easy, but learning to be alone and to enjoy it it takes work.
Eat that thing you think you hate
You’re getting too old to be a picky eater. Rather than telling everyone you’re going to travel to Thailand and around the world, why don’t you start with trying the food you think you’re pronouncing correctly?
Talk to that person you think you hate
You don't even know why you hate this person, you just do. This year, why don't you have an actual conversation and find out if he or she actually likes Taylor Swift before you continue to hating.
Start bringing your own alcohol
If you’re that person who thinks you're getting away with mooching off everyone else, let us just tell you, you’re not. Start the new year by surprising us and popping your own cork.
Find out who your neighbors are
Don’t just ignore them on the stairway. Start the year with an introduction and who knows, maybe you’ll get invited to a house party you can bring your newly bought alcohol to.
Put your laundry away after doing it
What if in the new year you just made one small, tiny change that changed your life forever? What if your clothes weren't on the floor?
Accept your weight instead of making resolutions about it
Stop making resolutions to reach an unattainable weight and learn to be comfortable in your own skin. That’s a resolution worth binging to.
Get rich or stop bitching
Make money or stop crying about it. You have two options. If you're not in your private yacht yet, do what all the simple people do and SUCK IT UP.
Stop going past your limits
Stop getting so drunk. You're embarrassing yourself and everyone around you. You're not in college anymore and public urination charges aren't as funny.
Cut down the amount of times you check your phone
We all know you're not just going to get cut off all your social media. So why don't you just pick one thing to consciously work on, maybe all that texting in the movie theater to start with.
Actually be nicer to your parents
You forget that while you're growing older, so are your parents. You only have them until you don't and when that day comes, you're going to regret all the years you didn't spend calling them and enjoying their presence.
They brought you into this world, they deserve to be noticed in it.
Get to know your kitchen better than your delivery guy
They're not making this up, you will save hundreds of dollars just by making your own pasta and frozen pizzas.
Maybe you won't have pad Thai or sushi four times a week, but you'll have enough saved to actually go out and eat something that doesn't require a minimum.
Start appreciating your life
It takes no deposit, no investment and no pain to start enjoying your life. You don't have to make goals or plan times, it's just something you have to constantly remember to do.
Who knows, 2015 could be the best year of your life -- if you decide to look at it that way.