How The 4 Weeks Of Every College Kid's Winter Break Will Unfold

by Ty Baumanis

Now that we've all received B's in the classes we were “literally” going to fail, we can focus on winter break.

Break always starts with feeling prepared to leave the impression on your old classmates that you’re on the path to success, but ends with puking at the party and trying to make out with your ex from high school.

But, let's not forget the real meaning of winter break: the enjoyment of stumbling into your parents’ house at 3 am and raiding their kitchen for anything edible.

Here’s the basic outline of how your four weeks at home will go:

Week 1

You’re back home, and life will be great. It's time to catch up with old friends from high school and show them how much you’ve grown -- literally grown. You now have two chins they’ve never seen before.

But, they promised to be your best friends for life, so they won’t judge you too badly.

It's the first night out and you’re strapped with a plastic bottle of vodka and rocking clothes with your university’s logo, just in case everyone forgot you went to the only other in-state school.

Now, here they come. Everyone you haven’t seen since summer break — four months ago — acts like they haven’t seen you since high school graduation.

First up is your ex. At first, you avoid him or her because the last conversation you had was trying to explain that you thought you were in an open relationship.

But, by the end of the drunken night, you’ll be back together with that person (Facebook official and all) because you’ve both matured and your train wreck of a breakup was just a fluke. Everyone knows high school love is real.

Next is the good girl who flinched at the thought of pre-marital sex. She's now chugging vodka and going down faster than your grades spring semester. “Hey, Becky, you’ve, uh… changed.”

Then, there are the guys who have traded their entire wardrobes for sorority tanks and boat shoes because they’re in frats now. They thought joining a fraternity would make everyone forget that for four years of high school, they skateboarded and played on the JV basketball team, but people don’t forget.

Here, you are sure to run into a few other people: the pregnant girl, the engaged couple, the recovering addict, the middle-school fling who “switched teams.”

It seems like you aren’t doing too badly after all. Convincing your friends you didn’t peak in high school was easier than you thought.

Week 2

This week consists of trying to dodge your old high school friends you were so anxious to see just a week ago because your high school reunion holiday party got weirder than watching a sex scene with your parents.

Whether you use your new college friends or even your parents as escape routes, you’re now playing an elaborate game of hide-and-seek with these psychos who signed your yearbook. It was great to see these people until you realized exactly why you don’t still keep in touch with them.

Be warned: Running into your old friends while you’re with your new college friends has the same level of awkwardness as an ex meeting your new significant other.

Week 3

You’ve been dreading this for every other week of the year.

Time to catch up with the relatives whose phone calls you’ve been screening for the last year and whose birthday checks you blew on alcohol. Speaking of alcohol, this is the perfect time to get comfortable with chugging beers and taking shots with your parents while hiding out during the family holiday party.

This family bonding will be followed by you showing your recently divorced aunt what Tinder is and asking your creepy uncle to please stop liking your spring break pictures on Facebook.

It’s all fun and games until your grandparents start asking why you aren’t a doctor or the CEO of a company yet. However, this conversation can be quickly ended by mentioning the last A you received on an exam, as long as you don’t mention the three C’s that came before.

If you can make it out of this party without drunkenly crying about how much you hate growing up, consider it an early Christmas present to yourself.

Do as much as you can to convince your family you’re doing the best you can because remember, they are still paying your tuition.

Week 4

If you’ve made it this far, congratulations.

It’s finally time to ring in the New Year. But, unless you’re in Las Vegas or Times Square, your night will be as disappointing as Taco Bell breakfast. It’ll more than likely be spent at someone’s parents’ house or at a bar where half of your graduating class works.

Regardless of where you end up, you need to make sure you lock down a New Year’s kiss. As the clock ticks down, so should your standards. Whether the person's 25 or 52, pucker up, because a regretful kiss is better than awkwardly drinking alone and staring at all of the happy people at midnight.

Plus, the second the clock strikes, it’s a new year and you’ve convinced yourself your slate is wiped clean.

Now that you’ve successfully conquered the night before, it’s time to make those New Year’s resolutions that are sure to fall through after a month.

Whether it’s losing those thunder thighs before spring break or finally getting your GPA north of 2.0, keep in mind that goals take more than a week of effort. Also remember that everyone is too drunk on spring break to see straight, let alone care that you’re still rocking last year’s freshman-15.

Now that break is over, be prepared to show back up at school with less brain and will power than a high school senior. Also, be prepared to answer the question, “How was your break?” every time you’re in public, until graduation.

Time to go back to an empty pantry and cheap alcohol. Despite how bad you think things may be going for you, just remember, you’re doing better than the guy taking his fourth year off of school before starting community college.