21 Reasons We’re F*cking Over Winter And It Hasn’t Even Started Yet

by Lauren Martin

We anticipate winter the same way we do the arrival of those family relatives we hate. We accept they’re coming, maybe even look forward to it, and then they show up and we realize we should have just gone to Florida with our friends.

Like when the shower turns cold without any warning, it hits you with a surprising jolt that puts you in a horrible mood for the rest of the day (or the next five months).

Unfortunately, we’re officially now out of warm water. With the start of November comes the arrival of that first wind chill we feel deep in our bones, reminding us that it’s only going to get so much worse.

That winter jacket you were so excited to buy lost its attraction after about two minutes and those gloves you thought you still had are now a missing pair. You’ve started packing up all those sun dresses and tanks, throwing away your worn sandals and replacing them with stained UGGs and Timberlands.

All your sweaters are bulky and have odd discoloration in some questionable places. You've taken out the down comforter and your house slippers, because you’ve learned there’s nothing worse than tired feet on cold floors.

You’re already cranky and miserable, cursing out the short walk from your house to the car or your apartment to the subway. You’re already telling friends you can’t go to their parties because of the weather, and you're once again thinking about those lucky bastards in California.

Because you already know no matter how many times you say “it’s a tit nippily out here,” no amount of jokes or puns will take away the sting of this winter. And it hasn’t even started yet…

Apartment parties just aren’t the same without the roof

Crowded, hot and sweaty apartment parties are fine with the knowledge that you can climb out a few windows and up a few ladders for some fresh air.

Without that reassurance, you may as well just party in your local Turkish bath house... At least there are no Taylor Swift songs in there.

Walking is no longer luxurious, but a reason to end it all

Those long strolls you used to take everywhere are now replaced with brisk power walks and an increased vocabulary including: "F*ck this," "I hate my life" and "F*ck, f*ck, f*ck. It's so f*cking cold."

Shaving with goosebumps

Shaving is hard enough, now with the presence of goosebumps, you actually know what it’s like to be a human cheese grater.

Way too much preparation goes into sex

There’s no better form of birth control than winter. The generic form is called “I haven’t shaved in four weeks, I think I’ll just stay in and watch Netflix."

Getting out of the shower and into a freezing apartment

The constant dilemma begins: shower forever or never?

The f*cking scarves

If you want to know how it feels to be choked out periodically while walking down the street, try out some infinity scarves.

Ice coffee kills your hands

You can have iced coffee in the winter, you just have to sell your hands.

There's a $10 weekly allowance on gloves, scarves and hats because you’ll leave one at a bar every time

If you calculate the money you lost on “winter accessories” last year, you could buy a plane ticket to California…

You suddenly see how pale you can get

No, it’s not Keira Knightley pale. More like, Anne Hathaway pale.

There’s no negotiating with the heater in your apartment

It wouldn’t be winter without another assh*le spewing hot water and refusing to compromise.

Everyone’s starting to use the excuse, “but it’s so cold.”

Inviting friends over now comes with a 50 percent decline rating. Also, get ready for the last minute text cancellation once your friend walks out the door and realizes you're not worth it.

Walking up four flights in a down jacket and scarf

Yes, that is what a heat stroke in the middle of winter feels like. It is indeed possible.

Trying to use the iPhone with gloves

Sorry mom, but I can’t risk a cracked phone just because you called 10 times.

Thin socks in cheap shoes

You’ve never been so keenly aware of your feet’s connection to your happiness than when they’re cold and you’re f*cking miserable.

Boots that take an hour to put on

It’s okay, I have nothing else to do than lace up these boots four times a day.

Bulky sweaters that make you forget what a body actually looks like

When did I get this beer gut? Is that what my arm really looks like?

The layers are real

Strip teases just started costing a lot more per hour...

The ice

Nothing builds more character than looking like an assh*le who can't walk over some frozen water.

People and their annoying hats

Just because you have an alligator on your head doesn't mean I'm going to let you cut the bathroom line...

All the watery hot chocolate

Nothing says winter better than warm diarrhea at the skating rink.

Cold floors

I'll trade my soul for some heated tiles.

Photo Courtesy: We Heart It