Working at a startup is not what people believe it is. If you’re not familiar with this new style of business, you most likely think every day is an extension of college with sweatshirts and easy chairs and people’s dogs hanging around.
You don’t even call their place of work an “office” because it feels more like a study lounge.
Well, you’re wrong. For those who are all about that start-up life, you know it’s no party (although, we do have many celebrations).
You’ve experienced what it’s like to pay out-of-pocket for everything, even while living paycheck to paycheck. You’ve permanently damaged your eyes because you’re on the computer all the time.
And despite hating them in college (did you even go to college?), group projects are your bread and butter.
Working at a startup forever stains the rest of your career path. You’ll never want to put on those alien, FUPA-enhancing pants called “trousers.”
You’ll never want a boss that has a child your same age. And you’ll never understand why “being too hungover from the company party” isn’t a viable reason to work from home the next day.
Here’s all the ways working at a startup has ruined your life.
1. You have no idea what business attire is
It’s kind of like the “Mean Girls” rules: You can’t wear sweatpants on Monday (or any day); never wear gold hoop earrings (that’s Regina’s thing); you can only wear your hair in a ponytail once a week; jeans are only acceptable on Fridays and, of course, on Wednesdays we wear pink.
2. Your parents don’t think your job is real
Save for the people you work with, no one really understands what it is you do all day. Your parents are constantly reminding you that you could still become a lawyer, and you’ve pretty much stopped discussing your job at family functions because you’re sick of being compared to your brother.
3. You think the “cubicle” is a new drug
You mean you feel like you’re trapped in your own little box house and your only connection to the outside world is a screen?! Whoa, trippy drug. I don’t know if I can handle that.
4. You don’t have any holidays off
Sorry, social life. We can’t lose our sh*t on Sunday and then day drink on Monday just because it’s President’s Day. Contrary to what all the corporate-types believe, this isn’t high school.
5. Handshakes are high-fives
The last time you received a proper handshake was when your doctor introduced herself and then asked you to get naked. See, who needs handshakes? They are just formalities before the good stuff happens.
6. You don’t understand why you can’t have a drawer with whiskey in it
How else are you supposed to stay motivated?
7. You don’t know what it’s like to work with anyone over 35
You don’t even know what it’s like to interact with them. They are a whole different species of human known as “adult,” and they do things like get married and procreate, while you’re busy trying to eclipse them in the job market at age 23.
8. You still look like a student
You walk around everywhere with your laptop. You own a backpack and wear it to work. You prefer sneakers to flats. You don’t bother getting too dressed up. You can’t afford spring break. You’re basically one report card away from attending college.
9. Your company style is to throw up the middle finger
...And it gets posted on every site. You don’t have to be 30 to give #ZeroF*cks.
10. You’re used to being your own boss
OK, so maybe you have a minor problem with authority, but that’s why you don’t shop at the Sports store anymore. You don’t answer to one person; you answer to your team.
11. What the hell is a conference call?
Speaking to grownups over the phone about serious agreements sounds more like a job for Liam Neeson in “Taken.” You don’t trust what you can’t see.
12. You are unfamiliar with the concept of a cash bonus
You get paid overtime in donuts.
13. Meetings consist of “Beerstorming”
Drinking before 6 pm is the norm for you, and also why you desperately want to become rich before age 32: All that alcohol is taking years off your life.
14. You think you’re Lenny Kravitz
Startups are a breeding ground for highly unorganized and confused individuals who believe they are creative geniuses.
15. You have no filter
You’re a little too comfortable throwing around the F-bomb and un-politically correct ideology.
While most people in the office think this makes you the coolest, chillest employee ever, everyone else is terrified at the uncensored chatter that comes out of your mouth, and even more horrified at how fine you are after saying it.
16. You don’t know how to converse with the one person who is married
“How do you even have time to see your husband?” Way to connect.
17. You don’t have friends outside of work
Hopefully, you really like who you’re working with because this is your new family. ...Reason number 41,857 why you can’t sleep with your supervisor. He’s practically your dad.
18. Your work perks consist of free in-office parties
The benefits are blacking out and forgetting you actually have none.
19. Everyone thinks you’re "in Tech"
...It’s media, bitch.
20. You get defensive when you feel like you’re being babied
You’re used to taking on greater responsibility, and now that you’ve got a taste, you’re not giving it up for anyone. Like J.Cole, you’re on a bit of a power trip.
21. You can only vent to the people you work with because no one knows what you’re talking about
That’s, uh, one way to make work friends?
22. You’re fat now
So. Many. Snacks. Half your salary is paid out in the form of snacks. You’re really no different than a homeless person because you do work for food.