Ah, Chrismukkah. One of the greatest portmanteau’s of our time. A wonderful celebration of two holidays in one, which did not earn a name until Seth Cohen entered our lives.
Being a Jewish girl who celebrates both Hanukkah and Christmas (but, with strictly Jewish blood — don't ask) every holiday season, I am confronted with the same comments and questions, over and over.
My guess is, if you also celebrate this sort-of-made-up-but-not-really holiday, you're no stranger to these remarks and inquiries, either.
The most ignorant people will ask. Yes, Chrismukkah. What, did you not watch "The OC" along with the rest of our generation during some of the most pivotal years of your life?
You weren’t madly in love with Seth, like the majority of your female (and probably male) peers? You don’t remember where you were when the word “Chrismukkah” came out of his perfect mouth?
2. “But, aren’t you Jewish?”
Why, yes. Yes, I am. However, my family doesn’t discriminate against holidays that involve present-giving, overeating and wearing red lipstick and sparkles (that last part was mainly just my two cents).
3. “So, like, you celebrate both?"
Yes. You've successfully deduced the meaning of the word Chrism-ukkah.
4. "But, what if Hanukkah overlaps Christmas?"
Well then MAZEL TOV TO ME! The best Chrismukkah present you could ask for is when Hanukkah is still going strong after Christmas has had its run.
You don’t have to say goodbye to the holidays or presents or a reason to live just yet.
5. “Do you have Christmas tree?”
Answers will vary on this, but personally, no, I did not grow up with a tree. Did I want one? Yes. Did I beg for one every year? Yes.
Did I buy myself a 4-foot, fake Walmart tree once I started paying rent on my own apartment? You bet your dreidel-loving ass I did.
6. "What does 'dreidel' mean?"
The word “dreidel” doesn’t register in Microsoft Word and has a red squiggly underneath it. I’m offended.
Dreidel is a classic Jewish tradition and game played by most families during the Hanukkah and Chrismukkah season.
7. “How many nights is Hanukkah again?”
8. “So, you get presents all eight nights and on Christmas?!”
When I was a child, yes. When I was a teenager, I got presents every other night of the eight nights, to balance it out.
When I became an adult, the only present I received during the eight nights was hearing myself say the Hanukkah prayer out loud, alone. In my one-bedroom apartment. To my dog.
9. “Does your SO celebrate both with you?”
Duh, yes. I don’t date/didn’t get married to an assh*le.
Well, I’m single. But, my dog does, yes.
10. “Why not 'Hanumas'?”
Because that sounds like an ancient northeastern Asian holiday and don’t you question Seth Ezekiel Cohen’s genius.
11. “Which holiday do you like more, though?”
…I plead the fifth (but it rhymes with Dissmas).
12. “Do you go to temple and church?”
13. “I wish I could celebrate Chrismukkah!”
I know you do. Everyone does. Sucks you aren’t a chosen person or know someone who is.
14. "But could I celebrate both?"
... even though I have not an ounce of Judaism running through my blood? Hey, to each his own. Go for it if you think you can handle it. People might talk, though.
15. “Would you rather me give you your present on Christmas or during Hanukkah?"
Choose wisely since whatever you end up doing I will read into (re: your true thoughts on religion and faith and holidays and their meanings).
16. "How do you decorate?"
Do you, like, hang dreidel ornaments on the tree? Or, like, use a Star of David as the tree topper?
You're an idiot. But, also, maybe yes.
17. "Do you guys eat potato latkes for Christmas breakfast?"
No, that's foul. We eat Christmas breakfast food and save the latkes for Hanukkah's nights. Kidding, we don't ever eat potato latkes during Hanukkah. We eat Chipotle, like normal people.
18. "Chrismukkah, man. How did you get so lucky?"
Just born into it, I guess. Lucked out by having Jewish parents who choose to be non-denominational one month out of the year, and completely stereotypical to their religion the other 11 months.
The solution for you? Date or marry Jewish!
19. "Do you want to marry me?"
Nah, I'm good.
20. "Well, can I at least come over for Chrismukkah this year?"
I'll think about it, but your chances would be higher if you gift me a dog, a personal trainer or Mindy Kaling's friendship. Figure it out and happy holidays.