Yeah, I remember when I first wanted to be a dog.
It's all still crystal clear. It was back in 2008, I was with my now-ex girlfriend at the multiplex. We had just seen "Marley and Me."
Personally, I thought the movie blew, but that's besides the point. Anyways, when the final credits rolled, I turned over to my girl – and she was sitting there weeping.
I had fallen asleep for the last 20 or so minutes of the film – so the sight of her crying, honestly, was a bit startling. I asked her what was wrong.
"UGH, DID YOU NOT SEE THE MOVIE?!," she groaned. Evidently not. "Marley was so perfect."
And after finding out that Marley was the dog, I was astonished.
I mean, I used to pat myself on the back whenever I could get my ex-girlfriend to crack a smile – let alone cry tears full of emotion – but shout out to MARLEY out here, accomplishing that feat over the course of a 115-minute film... which he was sniffing his own ass for the majority of. And then it all hit me.
Everyone f*cking loves dogs. Steve Jobs had to invent the iPad to win the hearts of yuppie women across the city, dogs pretty much just have to be awake. And, sometimes, not even. I suddenly understood the true essence of my purpose, my aspirations. I wanted to be a dog.
If you're not sold yet, here you go. The 19 reasons I wan't to be a dog. Go fetch.
1. No. School. Ever.
Remember last week when your pug was super stressed from his midterm exams, and was being a huge dick around the apartment? Exactly.
You don’t. Because dogs don’t go to school or experience school-related stress.
2. Belly rubs are considered an informal greeting.
Dogs get their bellies rubbed all day, every day, it’s about as commonplace as iCloud leaking scads of celebrity nudes. And then there’s me – lying in bed after having sex, like the Pillsbury Doughboy – fiending for a tummy tickle.
3. You get fed all day.
Dogs eat all day and don’t even have to worry about buying pot or finagling with Seamless. Think about having a bowl of, like, blue-bag Doritos and fresh water just constantly being replenished for you over the course of your day.
I’m used to drinking open water bottles from my car that have likely been sitting there for the change of a few seasons.
4. All the ladies love you.
Whether at the park, or on the beach, or taking a piss on some light post – it really doesn’t matter. Wherever you go, women will show you unconditional affection.
Like, stop for a second and think about that. I couldn’t duplicate that operation if I walked around the club sh*tting a trail of $100 bills.
5. You can lick your own balls.
Not that you’ll necessarily want to do this, but, let’s be real, you wouldn’t mind the option to be able to. It’s like when you buy a new car, and they ask if you want all-wheel drive, but you live in the suburbs – where there’s school-zone speed cameras at every intersection. It’s just good to have incase.
6. The most exciting moment of your life is every second of it.
Dogs live their lives from one incredibly fascinating stimulus to the next. They see a twig in the backyard, boom, it’s zero to 100. If a piece of pasta falls from the dinner table, it’s like Christmas came early.
Whenever a human walks in the f*cking door, dogs will get more hysterical than Twitter on a morning when Amanda Bynes decides to tweet.
7. You're the center of attention.
Typically – in order for me to be the center of attention at the party – I have already drunk six-plus shots of vodka, attempted the dance scene from "White Chicks," and threw up in the corner of the party floor in a state of slight panic. Dogs basically just have to exist.
8. The world is your oyster bathroom.
Think about how much doper listening to Lil Wayne’s poop-based lyrics would be if you could LITERALLY sh*t on people wherever, whenever.
9. Yo, you don’t even have to use words.
For humans, in order to get sh*t without paying, you’ll have to be a good sweet talker. Anyone who’s been to an Apple store knows that. Dogs, on the other hand, only have to bark.
How surreal is that?? Just bark. No compliments, no passive-aggression, no words at all, really. You just have to utter one sound, and you get spoiled like Cher Horowitz from "Clueless" – albeit, with a bit less fur.
10. You have the keenest navigational sense.
Dogs have that “Homeward Bound” super-sense of direction, so getting lost is never an issue.
I had to ask a gaggle of freshman how to get to the f*cking Events Center on graduation, just so I wouldn’t show up late to the Commencement Ceremony.
11. You can, I repeat CAN, sniff butts.
While catcalling is an extremely serious subject, and not anything to joke about, “dogsniffing” is completely fair game.
If a dog is promenading through Manhattan, and spots a fanny that sparks his attention – don’t worry about any pick-up lines – he’s going in nose first. And it’s almost always well-received.
12. Your sense of smell is fire.
As a dog, your sense of smell is said to be about 1,000 times stronger than that of a human. Why is this important? Umm, maybe because – unless you decide to thrust yourself into a desert – you’ll never have to go without pot or pizza.
What's that, you smell something, Danny? What is it boy? Marijuana? You smell marijuana? And pepperoni? Where boy, where? Two towns over? And it’s cheap? DAT'S MY GOOD BOY [rubs neck and behind the ears].
13. You don’t reeeallly have to wear clothes.
Generally speaking, the only time you’d have to worry about wearing clothes – as a dog, mind you – is if your owner is like Paris Hilton, or some other Hollywood socialite without a federal income tax burden.
And the “pros” of a situation such as that will unquestionably outweigh the “cons.” Otherwise – worst case scenario – you might have to put up with wearing a sweater around Christmas, if you're raised by a super rich family, but realistically you'll get over it.
14. Think about it: the Baha Men f*ck with you.
Once you get to the point when rappers are naming songs after you, you know you've made it.
Like, I'm sure it was dope to be “Barry Bonds” when Kanye West dropped Graduation, or “Bill Gates” after Lil Wayne paid homage to him with a track – but think about how hype it must’ve been to be a cocker spaniel back in 2000, when the Baha Men dropped “WHO LET THE DOGS OUT.”
15. Air Jordan? Not even. Air bud.
As far as basketball-related role models go, canines are unrivalled. Air Bud is like the Michael Jordan of the dog universe, except he also played football as well as volleyball, and didn’t suck at baseball. Talk about inspiring.
16. You don’t have to ask about doggystyle.
I’m assuming this type of unspoken convenience could only be replicated in a world where you get served sweet potato fries without having to ask or pay an extra $1.25.
17. Your Instagram-like-game is on point.
My Instagrams usually accumulate like 25-40 likes per picture, which for many would equate to social suicide.
Having said that, whenever I need a nice little boost from social media attention, I just Instagram a picture of my dog and watch that sh*t go from zero to 100 quicker than Drake after a red-eye coffee. No filter necessary, hombre.
18. You bathe like once every few weeks, and people love it.
Bathing really only enters your realm of concern on a month-to-month basis, and it it does, you're pampered like Prince Akeem in the “royal bath” scene of "Coming to America."
19. You can refer to females as bitches, and still be politically correct
One of my favorite 2Pac records is found on the B-side of his 5th studio album, All Eyez on Me. It’s a little tune he called “Wonder Why They Call You Bytch.”
For dogs, you wouldn’t need “Rap Genius” to find the answer to the title’s inquiry. All female dogs are bitches, or "bytches," rather. That’s it, I’m done.