Perhaps saying, "I hate animals" is a bit of a strong statement, but I can say, very plain and simply, I definitely do not like animals.
No, forget that. In fact, I do hate animals. I know you cringed, everyone always does.
“What kind of a person doesn’t like animals?!,” they say.
I’ll tell you what kind of person, someone who knows animals for what they are: gross and dirty creatures that poo everywhere and get drool all over everything.
It’s like the whole world is wearing animal goggles and fails to see that.
I’ve been like this since I was a kid. Back then, I didn’t like animals because I was genuinely afraid of them.
That adolescent fear has since evolved into hatred. I can’t help the way I feel about animals. I just hate them.
Are you going to burn me at the stake now, or what?
1. Everyone thinks you’re a monster.
People look at you like you just grew a second head the second you let it slip that animals are not your thing. I can’t tell you how many times people have told me I have no soul because I don’t like animals.
I don’t want to be shamed just because I don’t like man’s best friend. He’s not my best friend, and you’re not going to make me love him. Leave me alone, people!
2. You get irritated AF when people post pet pictures on Instagram.
To you, pet Instas are more annoying than engagement photos. No matter which social media outlet you turn to, you cannot escape the flood of pet pictures.
I do not want to look at 46 pictures of Fido’s first birthday party, and I don’t want to see Marley’s new haircut after the groomers. Keep that sh*t to yourselves.
3. You yell at people who don’t pick up after their animals.
You feel very passionately about people picking up after their animals. Why the actual f*ck do you have a dog if you’re not going to pick up its poop?
I’m not walking around trying to step in dog sh*t. As a person who doesn’t like animals, you can be very aggressive when someone else’s animal affects your day.
4. Everyone expects you to pet it, and you do not want that.
You constantly feel pressured by pet owners to touch their animals. The thought of putting your clean hands on the mangy fur of a dog or cat is literally repulsive to you.
You don’t force people to touch things they don’t want to touch, so why should you touch an animal?
5. You think the defense “But I love babies!” is acceptable.
Maybe you don’t even like babies, but for some reason, it seems like the right thing to say. The very fact that you’re equating a human child with an animal is a bit alarming.
Seriously though, babies smell f*cking delicious and are cute as hell. Yet, no one thinks this defense is sufficient because apparently people love their animals more than actual children. People are creepy.
6. You constantly have to ask people if they have a pet before coming over.
You have zero interest in getting cat hair all over your clothes or getting your shoes destroyed by a dog.
You need to know if the people you visit are pet owners because if they are, they need to promise to lock that thing in a back room or something.
7. Animals can sense you hate them and, therefore, become obsessed with you.
I went to visit a friend in the country. This friend had a cat. She assured me the cat rarely came upstairs and wouldn’t bother me.
What do I find in the guest room 20 minutes later? Her cat. Just sitting there, staring at me with its beady little eyes.
Animals can sense how uncomfortable they make you. While you’d think that would make them hate you and stay the f*ck away from you, the opposite happens.
They follow you around, try to make you pet them and lick you. Animals are evil torturers.
8. Dogs are disgusting and dirty.
The fact that no one understands this is truly stressful. Dogs are so gross and smelly, and they slobber all over you. They will literally eat throw up off the floor. I don’t f*ck with that.
9. You don’t understand how people can have nice things and an animal.
If you own nice things, why would you have a pet? Your Jimmy Choos will become chew toys, and your beautiful white couch will be stained with slobber and pee.
Not to mention that your entire apartment will smell like a giant fart. No thank you, please.
10. You are highly suspicious of cats.
Cats are treacherous little f*ckers. They don’t even like their humans. Cats just sit there and stare at you, plotting your demise. I just do not trust cats.
They are also the laziest creatures known to man. They lie around all day, licking themselves and staring into space.
11. You get super pissed when people bring animals to places where animals do not belong.
As I stood in line the other day, waiting to purchase my $4 bottle of vino from Whole Foods, I noticed the woman behind me had a dog with her. One of those small, yappy dogs.
I couldn’t help being annoyed that this lady had chosen to bring an animal into a wine shop. Animals do not belong in stores, restaurants or movie theatres. Animals belong in your home or a park. That is all.
12. Your hatred tragically limits your dating options.
Guys just don’t want to date a woman who doesn’t like animals. The second you let that tidbit of information slip, it will ruin any date.
Also, the hottest guys always have dogs. It’s a total deal breaker.