11 Things Every Brother Requires From His Sister's Boyfriend

by Dan Scotti

Men are instinctively protective. It's natural for men to act defensively with regard to things like food, their beloved sports teams, the aux cord -- and let's not forget the women in their lives.

Yep, it should be no surprise when I say that men can certainly act crazy over the women in their lives. Think about it. Affairs regarding these important women don't usually equate to light-hearted subject matter.

Anyone who's ever tried telling a "yo momma" joke with any real conviction, can attest to that.

With that said, few things can truly compare to the façade of masculinity men will construct whenever their sister brings home a "new boyfriend" to meet the family.

For any brothers out there, this pretty much sucks because – in your mind – nobody will ever be "good enough" to date your own sister.

If Michael Jordan sauntered through the door, and stuck out his paw for a handshake, you know you'd probably give him a dirty look and make a snide remark about "passing the ball more." Hey, that's just how it goes.

While men might be instinctively protective, we're also a bit instinctively nuts, too–at times. If you need proof, here are the 11 requirements every brother has for the dude who's dating his sister.

1. He should never show up to the house empty handed.

Listen, if you’re trying to date my sister, take some advice from me. If you’re not carrying a bakery box with cannolis or some muhf*ckin’ marzipan in it, by the time I open the door to let you in – just about face.

Not to mention, I’m pretty sure the “factory seal” is broken on the box of Entenmann’s under your arm, anyway. Peace out, cub scout.

2. He should always compliment her.

Yeah, Lord Disick is mad fun to watch for 30 minutes an episode on E!, but if he ever materialized at one of my family dinners, I’m pretty sure I’d slap the sh*t out of him.

This isn’t your own personal comedy show, and you sure aren’t going to get any sneak-laughs from me at my sister’s expense.

Word to the wise, don’t try so hard. Just compliment my sister, and if you’re fiending for some bonus points, compliment my mom, too, while you’re at it.

3. He should keep his hands to himself.

Whenever I’m around, prospective boyfriends should just keep their hands to themselves. Like, c’mon, gentlemen – a modicum of self-control, please.

If we’re sitting in the vestibule of a restaurant, waiting for our table to be prepared, there’s simply no reason to be rubbing my sister’s shoulders incessantly.

It's not like she's preparing to pitch the 9th inning of a crucial World Series Game, brah, you're just making me and my dad super uncomfortable.

4. He should be protective.

If a guy is going to date any blood of mine, he better be ready to protect her.

The way I see it, if some random stranger happened to step to the two of them while waiting outside for a cab or something, I need to rest assured that her boyfriend will defend her, or at least threaten a lawsuit, in the face of danger.

5. He should play tennis/golf.

It’s imperative that any dude who likes my sister, also likes sports – so we have something to talk about at the dinner table.

And while I’d love my sister to date an ex-Division I basketball player, I don’t know, basketball is a contact sport and I feel like there could definitely be some underlying violent tendencies there.

Thus, I would prefer my sister’s boyfriend play sports like tennis, or golf, or badminton – as these are more wholesome, peaceful, generally affluent, sports.

6. He should be well-connected with someone at Madison Square Garden.

This one is just for me. For, like, tickets.

7. He should always be outspoken about his distaste for Justin Bieber.

See, I, personally, like Justin Bieber. I think he's "cool." [This is when 75 percent of people stop reading article.] However, for a guy who’s going to be dating my sister, I’m thinking more along the lines of an anti-Justin Bieber.

Pretty much anything JB would do – while invested in a committed relationship – yeah, I’m going to want my sister’s boyfriend to go ahead and do the opposite.

8. He should never, ever have a sleepover in my home.

Ever. This isn't summer camp. I don't want to see other dudes in my home past midnight, on a Tuesday (cue ILoveMakonnen voice).

Personally, I don’t really care where he sleeps, to be entirely frank with you – as long as I don’t see him on my way to the fridge at 3 am, with a flagrant bulge hanging out from under my briefs.

9. He should always pay for my sister’s ice cream on dessert dates…

Yeah, I’m old school like that. Every girlfriend I’ve ever had, I’ve paid for, and I only hope the same would apply for someone dating my sister. She deserves it.

1o. ...And bring me home a to-go order, without expecting any compensation.

If you’ve ever had a girlfriend before, you’ve bought ice cream for her brother. That’s like one of the most common dating rites of passages imaginable.

Sure, it sucks when you’re on the outside looking in, but you maintain that faith knowing one day the tables will turn – and somebody will be dating your sister, and buying you ice cream.

11. He should treat her like a princess.

Of all the picky, nonsensical criteria I’ve come up with inside my head regarding any prospective boyfriends for my sister – one thing’s for certain. He just has to treat her right.

As long as she’s happy, and she’s got nothing to complain about, he’ll probably be A-OK with me.

And if he’s not? You can rest assured that all I’ll go Sonny Corleone on that piece of sh*t, with metal garbage cans and all 150 lbs of my existence. You dig?