Given only 1 of us has a full time job and we can’t sing well enough to busk, we spend a lot of time on social media these days.
We particularly like to spend time on Twitter for Idiots – also known as ‘Instagram’ – because why waste time with ‘words’ when a grainy, filtered picture of your dog says it all.
So from our countless hours of “research” we’ve managed to identify the 11 most annoying types of people on Instagram.
The caption for these posts usually read something like “Nice day outside” or “Got new hair color” – however it is simply a thinly veiled pretext for posting a picture of her enormous cleavage. This girl will post something like “Tuesday” and then a picture of her huge rack. That’s not even trying.
As guys, we don’t find this off-putting or even annoying really. To be honest we will probably ‘double tap’ that. Just don’t think that we aren’t well aware that your post is just a desperate cry for attention.
2. The Quintessential Douchebag
If it isn’t enough that we have to put up with these morons grunting their way around the gym, flexing in front of any shiny surface and dropping protein farts near the squats rack, they have now invaded our social media space.
These are the kind of guys who greet everyone with “Hey Brah!” and are permanently in training for Spring Break. Yes, we get that you are #shredded and no one is saying you shouldn’t be proud of your physique. We are just saying you’re a tool. Brah.
3. The Bieber
While there is some begrudging respect for guys who are in shape, it is a completely different matter when it comes to skinny dudes posting topless selfies.
If you are built like a broomstick then you should keep your shirt on, especially when cameras and or girls are around.
Just remember the old saying: ‘skinny dudes with abs are like fat chicks with big tits – they don’t count’.
4. The “Follow Me” Girl
Having more followers on Instagram doesn’t make you a better person. It only makes you seem cooler, way more interesting and consequently a totally better person. If you do happen to be one of these sad sacks then for the love of God #stop #abusing #the #hashtag #functionality to #getmorefollowers. All this really achieves is making your post look like someone vomited up a keyboard. We also fail to see how #obamacare in any way relates to that fuzzy picture of your cat.
Anyway, follows us: @hesanassholeanyway. We want heaps of followers so our families know we have made it.
5. The Philosopher
There is nothing more annoying than someone who continually posts ‘insightful’ quotes or clichéd photos of sunsets that are captioned with something about ‘new beginnings’. Or unicorns. If there is anything more stupid than Instagram itself, it’s someone who uses a picture posting service for the purposes of posting banal quotes that they have no understanding of. You aren’t being deep and insightful by making a meme out of a quote you stole off the internet.
6. The Dieter
Seriously, nobody cares about the diet that you aren’t really on. Furthermore, a couple of salad shots doesn’t make you some kind of #fitspo icon that is going to inspire a generation to get active. The truth is we all know that your ‘meal’ is going to taste like crap anyway. No amount of #cleaneating hashtags is going to change the fact that you’d rather be eating that chocolate in your fridge. Just shut up, eat your tasteless rabbit food and be sad.
7. The Coffee Drinker
This isn’t so much annoying as it is inexplicable. Like, we get it. You got a coffee. Enjoy. Surely the fact we have labeled you ‘The Coffee Drinker’ must really drive home just what a unique snowflake you really are. To your followers on Instagram seeing pictures of your coffee is about as exciting as joy riding in a Prius. It’s not, at all.
8. The Loser
This person posts the most boring shit ever and has no idea how to use or interact on the app. They upload pictures that no one could possibly care about like a picture of their clothes dryer or the inside of their pencil case. These posts scream, “I’m still a virgin”. They urgently need to delete their account and go back to playing Farmville.
9. The Flashback
As we understand it, this is basically an excuse to post a picture of when you were younger, hotter and had perkier breasts. Which is fair enough, because unless you are George Clooney most people start to look terrible with age. Most infuriatingly people now abuse these ‘flashbacks’ on a daily basis, where they post pictures of the coffee they had two weeks ago. Shirtless.
10. The Creeper
There is always some creepy dude floating around on Instagram asking girls to “Kik me baby” or “u got snapchat?” His profile is either conspicuously absent of any pictures that identify him or full of shirtless pictures that were probably taken in public bathroom somewhere. They are the reason that restraining orders were invented and the reason why we need more of them, urgently.
11. The ‘Celebrity’
The Paris Hilton of Instagram. This girl has no discernible talent other than being good looking. This dribbler will bombard her "people" – namely the 10,000 creepy dudes following her – with inane, narcissistic selfies. She might even try to be "inspirational." Most annoyingly, she’s likely to regularly reference the amount of followers she has in the mistaken belief that this actually makes her famous. The only solace is that she will inevitably knocked off her perch by the next 19-year-old wannabe in a few years.
Written by the authors of "He’s an Asshole Anyway – How to Deal With Being Dumped According to the Assholes Themselves."