Men Are Basic B*tches Too: 10 Dead Giveaways That You're A Basic Bro

by Dan Scotti

Over the past few months, dubbing some young lady a “basic bitch” became the “It-Girl” of unoriginal disses. Although there’s no regimented protocol for what exactly constitutes “being basic,” I think I’ve grasped the concept, somewhat, over time.

As a rule of thumb, basic things suck.

A serving or two of vegetables with dinner is a basic part of any balanced diet. Realistically, vegetables suck. But this is why a lot of “basic bitches” like kale.

Things like math and science are basic requirements for education. Math and science, generally speaking, suck.

Chickenpox is a basic illness that you’ve likely encountered during your childhood years. And, you guessed it. Chickenpox sucks, too.

Ergo, it should come as no great shock why “basic bitches” suck, all the same.

However, as a righteous man, I feel as though I owe it to my feminist friends to provide “both sides of the coin” with regard to this topic.

Let’s not lose sight of how basic we men can be.

They say “behind every great man is an equally great woman.” I say, behind every basic bitch is a basic bro, and he cuts the necks of his sweatshirts into v-shapes, too.

Curious whether or not you qualify as a “basic bro”? Say no more. That’s what I’m here for. Attached below are 10 telltale signs of basicness (basicality?) that you might be guilty of.

Don’t fret. Being basic isn’t the end of the world. Most importantly – listen to me – it’s never too late to change. It could be something as simple as taking a break from pretending you do yoga to go pick up some new hobbies.

I'll leave the rest in your basic little hands.

Here are the 10 Signs You're A Basic Bro.

1. You wear high socks and sandals from time to time (or always, everywhere)

High socks and sandals are the fashion equivalent of taking a girl out to a movie on a first date. Safe (as far as social norms are concerned), mildly boring and cheap as f*ck (assuming you’re not buying her popcorn).

Additionally, girls hate both of these things with a passion. Show me a chick who actually enjoyed seeing “Ted” with you on your first date, and I’ll find one who was fond of how your calf-high white socks complemented your pasty legs and thonged sandals.

Why women harbor so much animosity towards the socks and sandals thing, I will never know. What I do know, however, is that men (as a species) are far too basic to give one f*ck.

2. You swear by Chobani

Basic dudes love turning “pretty healthy” foods into supreme dietary REQUIREMENTS.

Like avocados, for example. They’re like kinda healthy, I suppose. Spooning out the contents of your avocado, like you’re on line at a soup kitchen, isn’t going to augment your “man boobs” anytime soon, though. Nor will eating a lot of mangos, shockingly.

For whatever reason, dudes who hit the gym at least twice a week view Greek yogurt as the Holy Grail of all things fitness. Don’t be fooled. It’s still f*cking yogurt, regardless how many grams of protein it may have.

“Dude. 18 grams of protein! Perfect for bulking season man!!!”

Sweet bro. Bulking season? Every girl in the office has one, too, I hope you all “bulk up” together. Enjoy your yogurt.

3. At least 90 percent of your everyday wardrobe was purchased at the GAP

The GAP: Shopping Destination For All Things, Basic.

Basic jeans? In the back. Basic solid-colored tees? Against the wall. Basic plaid button-downs? By the door.

In today’s day and age, every guy’s got a little GAP in his wardrobe. Who am I to judge? We’re all guilty, to an extent. Having said that, you start to encroach upon the “land of basic” when your t-shirt drawer resembles a bag of tagless, v-necked Skittles.

And that could only mean two things. Either:

A.) You lack the imagination required for buying shirts with graphic designs on them.

B.) Your mom shops for you.

There really is no other way for the public to interpret it.

4. Your first car was a Jetta/ your current car is still a Jetta

Cars can tell a lot about their drivers. If you drive a pickup truck, with dry mud plastered to the front of the grill, the chances are you also share a high affinity for pit bulls. If you drove a white 3 Series in high school, chances are your dad also reduced the ensuing traffic points in court.

Jettas are no different. If you drive a Jetta, chances are you’re basic. Why? Because Jettas, themselves, are basic. Remember in elementary school, four out of every five kids had shoes with a set of wheels popping out of the heels?

Yeah, all those kids now drive Jettas.

5. You take Fish Oil before turning 50

Inexplicably swallowing a large gel capsule that provides zero health benefits that you’re actually aware of is another classic example of how men act like basic b*tches.

Fish oil? Really? Even though, in all likelihood, the extent of your daily agenda will revolve around "Game of Thrones" and your futon, I’m glad that your skin will glisten and you’ll be less vulnerable to arthritis down the road.

6. You only smoke "herbs" out of a bowl.

Dudes who smoke bowls with any real frequency put the B in “basic.” They’re like the stoner-materialization of those guys on the PGA tour who used “belly putters” before they got banned.

In fact, piggybacking off that, I’d ban the bowl from pot-smoking altogether. You mean to tell me that all of your free time is spent smoking marijuana, yet you still haven’t taken the initiative to figure out how to roll a 1.25 inch piece of paper into the shape of a cone?

If that’s truly the case, man, ease up on the dope. Brain cells clearly aren’t at a premium. Or you’re just basic, which is groovy too.

7. You say "epic" excessively and/or unjustifiably.

“Brooo. That meal was epic.”

Bro. It’s 3 am. What’s truly “epic” is that you referred to the halal food we just inhaled – pissy drunk, about a block from XVI – as a meal. The “meal,” itself, if you want to call it that, was downright raunchy.

The English language is a beautiful thing, full of more eloquent words with Latin origins, yet basic dudes incessantly overuse the word “epic” like a lonely girl and her Tumblr.

8. You tweet Drake lyrics

“@BasicBob: Somewhere between psychotic and iconic”

Well, I suppose you might be right, except, that “somewhere” is definitely more psychotic than iconic – if iconic at all. Definitely basic. Iconic seems like a stretch considering it’s difficult to be an icon of any sorts when your Twitter timeline reads more like a tear-soaked page ripped out of Drizzy’s diary.

“@therealbasicbro: I’m on my worst behavior!”

Are you? Unless you’re tweeting from timeout, or fleeing from the scene of a crime, I think it’s safe to assume that your behavior at the time of that tweet was probably, in all respects, rather tasteful.

9. You comment about getting cropped out of Facebook pictures

“Who’s the good looking one on the right who you accidentally cropped out, bro?”

Clearly you, man. And it was by no damn accident, either. There’s a reason only half of your ear is discernible within the scope of this photo, and it’s probably because your boy knew, well in advance, that you’d be basic enough to notice – and one step further – make a comment.

There’s nothing better than watching your basic bros comment awkward sh*t on social media, it’s one of life’s many pleasantries... along with shadily unfollowing him on Instagram and waiting for him to confront you like Michael Corleone did Fredo after breaking the trust of the mafia.

10. You exclusively drink IPAs (after discovering them the week before)

Friend #1: “I’ll take a Budweiser heavy.”

Friend #2: “That sounds great. Yep, Bud heavy.”

Friend #3: *nods head in agreement and taps the bar with one finger like he’s playing poker*

Friend #4: “Same, here."

You: Umm, excuse me, what kind of IPAs do you have on tap? (cue Dave Chappelle’s “white person” voice)

We’ve seen that scene countless times at bars all across Murray Hill. Still, I can’t help but think dudes who order IPA exclusively view regular ol’ beer drinkers as peasants. Which is cool, because at least peasants aren’t more basic than a pH of 9.2 – like yourself.

“Bah, you drink that battery acid? Not enough hops for me.”

Dude, I’m going to be honest with you, I have no f*cking clue what a hop is. I’m drinking this beer to get drunk, if I wanted to bask in the aftertaste of my drink, I would’ve brought a 8-pack of Ssips Iced Tea boxes to the bar, instead.

PS – If you were wondering what IPA is an acronym for, as if anyone actually knows, it’s basic. Just, basic.

Photo Courtesy: We Heart It