10 Reasons Everyone Should Write A Smut Book Like We Did

The following is written by Mike and Dave Stangle, authors of "Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates: And a Thousand Cocktails," available from Gallery Books on May 19, 2015.

Next Tuesday, our first book hits shelves. It's called, "Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates: And a Thousand Cocktails."

There is also a movie coming out about us by the same title, starring Zac Efron, Adam Devine, Anna Kendrick and Joan Rivers.

HA, just kidding; she’s dead. Oh, did you not like that joke? Then you probably won’t like our book.

Our book started out as many different things: a how-to book, a dating guide, a look into our f*cked-up psyches.

We even dabbled in writing a straight-up erotic novel! It turns out that’s a pretty weird project to co-write with your brother.

In the end, it turned into a combination of all of the above.

In short, "Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates" is pretty much a book full of total smut. We're talking sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll, synth-y, soft jazz.

Writing a smut book has taught us a lot, such as your penis can be both the protagonist and the antagonist at the same time!

Here are a few more things we’ve learned about ourselves, which you will, too, should you embark on such a journey:

1. You’ve done way more disgusting stuff in your life than you think.

People tend to repress memories of doing gross things, like wiping your butt with a pinecone (not that bad), or accidentally drinking your own semen (that bad).

Or, sleeping on the floor in a now-defunct strip club called The Slut Bucket (whose owner, despite his establishment’s name, was somehow not as misogynistic as you’d think).

The fact is, you really only ever do about 10 percent of the crazy sh*t that goes through your head. Maybe we’ve done 12 to 15 percent?

That doesn’t make us worse; we just embrace it a little more.

Everyone’s done messed up stuff. Now, we have a written record of things we can go back to and say, “Oh yeah, that was f*cked up.”

Maybe it will help our readers feel better about the amount of f*cked up stuff they’ve done, too.

2. It just feels really good to let it all out.

If you’re anything like us, you can’t afford a shrink. Mike is an overweight, unemployed waitress from Montana, and Dave has a hard-line addiction to nasal spray.

Money is tight, and we had some things to get off our chests.

Dave has a chapter in the book called, 'I Farted On A Baby,' where he confesses everything he has ever wanted to get off his chest.

Did you know he doesn’t recycle? Ever? What a dick! A dick with a clear conscience, though.

3. You’ll never judge anyone for anything again.

In the right crowd, this automatically makes you one of the most comforting people to talk to.

People will know you’ve had sex with a stranger in front of your brother (page 117), nearly perished stealing a paddle boat (page 197), done every drug out there worth doing (page 131), and even had sex with a girl three hours after she was hit by a taxi cab (just confessing that now, everyone).

All of a sudden, you’ll feel like you’re a priest in a confessional booth, hearing it all as Head Creep.

Is that why people go to confession? They know priests are perverts, too? Religion suddenly makes more sense than it ever has.

4. You’ll become a great storyteller.

We found that we were breaking more rules, ignoring more laws and, generally, being more reckless because we came to value the opportunity to tell a good story over the consequences of what it took to create that story.

Experiences are the foundation of every great story, and you’ll never be able to tell a better story than when it comes from rich experience.

By rich, I mean filled with awful decisions rooted in a strong desire to never take ourselves too seriously.

All we have in this book is our stories. No advice; no counseling; no two cents.

We got into (and usually out of) hairy situations just to tell the story. We’re like war reporters, but not nearly as brave or handsome. Or educated. And, we don’t have as many sky miles.

Man, I wish we had more sky miles. Those are the best.

5. You’ll truly stop caring about the little things.

Living for the story also makes you forget about consequences, particularly the small ones that don’t matter, like open container laws.

A few months ago, Dave was waiting in line at CVS to drop off a prescription.

I don’t know why he decided to do this, but he was drinking an open bottle of champagne the entire time. No one even batted an eye.

The open container law in NYC is a joke -- so dumb. Why can’t we all drink some champagne while we wait?

Everyone should have the right to drink champagne while they wait. Otherwise, they’re just waiting.

These days, Dave doesn’t go to a pharmacy without a bottle of champs. It's the classy way to fill your scripts.

Even if he gets a $60 open container ticket, he will have gotten away with six bottles of while-you-wait champs, so the math works out to $10 a bottle. Well worth it.

6. Writing is f*cking exhausting!

It's hard to create a collection of quality chapters when you aren’t that skilled of a writer, you're working a full-time job, and you're constantly distracted by other things in life, like working out; unsuccessfully finding love and companionship; eating tacos; your f*cking dog always being like, “I need to eat, man;” filing your taxes; sleeping...

There’s just so much to do that by the time you sit down at your computer, open up a fresh draft, take six to eight minutes to crank one out quick because you might as well, and then get started… you’re just pooped.

Leave yourself some time to write, or you’ll miss every single deadline. We sure did. Our editor hates us!

7. Your English is not as good as it should be.

Unless you write for a living or for a website, or unless you actually paid attention in school, writing properly is f*cking hard.

The most writing we ever did before this was in emails with our friends.

Dave was a political science major in college and had to write dozens of papers each semester. It’s a f*cking miracle he got a degree with his grammar; it's pathetic.

How do you even use a comma? Also, there are so many words you think are real words but aren’t. Like "sherbert." Or "titties."

8. Having an agent is f*cking awesome. Having two? Even better.

If we can get a book published, anyone can.

We’ve got an agent who does our book stuff and one who does our movie stuff. Also, they’re friends with each other! So much chemistry.

They don’t just land us work, they inflate our egos so much that we actually believe in ourselves. When we hear them talking about us to other people, it's like they are pitching actual talented people.

9. You need to accept that several of your parents' friends will never look at you the same.

Our folks have lived in the same village in upstate New York their entire lives.

They’ve both already promised us they won’t read the book. It's downright dirty, and there is simply no way any of the content will come out alright on the other end of our generational gap.

Their friends, though? Different story. There are only 4,000 people who live in our village, and this book is on every single person's radar.

Bad news: Our mom is in a local book club; it’s all middle-aged and older ladies. They are all SO excited to buy our book. A bunch of them have pre-ordered it already.

We’ve never been hated, outright, by a large group of middle-aged women, but we’ll be sure to report back on exactly what that feels like.

10. Computers can be used for more than porn and illegally streaming music!

Does this one even need an explanation? Total f*cking mindblower.

If you guys buy enough copies of our book(s), we’re going to encase these MacBooks in GOLD.

Or, just buy those new gold MacBooks. Those are so sexy, and I guess that’s a bit more practical.

"Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates: And a Thousand Cocktails" is available from Gallery Books on May 19, 2015. For more from Mike and Dave, follow them on social media: Mike and Dave's Twitter, Mike and Dave's Facebook, Mike's Instagram, Dave's Instagram, Mike and Dave's Instagram.