47 Reasons Why Corporate America Needs To Die Before It Kills Us All

by Lauren Martin

Corporate America used to be that friendly giant who welcomed all. If you owned a suit and tie, a bachelor's degree and a glossy résumé, you were in. You were part of his house and if you played by his rules, you could stay there as long as you wanted and maybe one day move into the master suite.

You would spend 40 years under his watch, in his house, complying with his rules. In return, you would build up that 401K and save up for that deck jacuzzi you longed for. You would spend your weekends at your boss's beach house, swanky charity events and even invest in some nice pieces of real estate.

You would have his loyalty, a nice chair and possibly a great view. You would send your kids to college, save for a beautiful retirement home and spend your last years soaking up the sun in a condominium with the palm trees included. You were responsible, hard working and now your results are paying off. You are dying and finally enjoying life.

As you sit in your plush armchair with a martini and reflect on life, you may begin to realize that Corporate America wasn’t that friendly giant, but in fact, a sociopathic monster who was slowly killing you day after day. He was your captor, and like a prisoner suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, you forgot to escape when you had the chance.

You became complacent in your torture and your chains. He took you for all you were worth, until you finally paid your dues and were left rotting next to a small stack of money.

These rotting corpses, or the walking, talking miserable, are a cautionary tale. What Millennials are taking from the slow death of our parents and friends is that Corporate America isn’t the friendly giant who will lovingly offer us jobs and security after graduation. Corporate America is, in fact, the villain, dressed up in Anne Taylor dress suits, private jets and retirement plans.

He is the spawn of Satan delivered in car services and hanging in Christmas bonus checks. He is the witch with the apple, only this time he’s holding five figures. Unfortunately for Corporate America, our generation sees through his disguises and distractions.

As the antiquated American dream slowly disappears and is rapidly replaced with dreams of innovation and passion, Corporate America is losing his edge. No longer do the frills of money and suited power attract young professionals. Instead, we’d rather skip the torture and live as runaways.

We’d rather live every day in poverty than be a slave to the demands of a monster. We’d rather work for little and love it than make money in a cold and empty house. We’d rather die before letting Corporate America kill us, slowly and steadily, from the inside, out.

1. It restricts your creativity

2. It dictates your wardrobe

3. It stifles your individuality

4. It puts you in boxes

5. It takes away all control

6. It sucks out your youth

7. It creates monotony

8. It restructures your values

9. It devalues your worth

10. It dehumanizes you

11. It takes away your windows

12. It creates greed

13. It relies more on titles than results

14. It makes you shave your beard

15. It makes you feel special than ignores you

16. It pollutes your town

17. It hurts your friends

18. It puts you behind walls

19. It stunts your growth with regulations

20. It kills your social life

21. It ruins your weekends

22. It stabs you in the back

23. It makes you paranoid

24. It keeps you in the dark

25. It gives you a case of the "Mondays" all week long

26. It gives you addictions to stimulants

27. It takes away your curiosity

28. It clones you

29. It drug tests you

30. It placates you

31. It puts you on a factory line

32. It cripples your innermost desires

33. It hinders your passions

34. It talks behind your back

35. It makes you stare at the clock

36. It water-boards you with trickle-down economics

37. It blinds you with bottom lines

38. It strips you down to a sum of your parts

39. It keeps your lunch breaks on time slots

40. It takes away your sick days

41. It eats your soul

42. It makes you dress like an assh*le

43. It tells you to forget everything else

44. It makes you happily basic

45. It takes away your results

46. It smothers you

47. It doesn’t give a sh*t about you

Photo Courtesy: 20th Century Fox/Wall Street