7 Stages Of Grief After A Breakup, Explained By The Men Of 'Friends'

by Shaunna Latchman
Warner Bros. Television

Going through a breakup has been likened to the death of a loved one.

It is only when you go through the motions of mourning a relationship that you truly understand what that feels like.

According to Google, there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

I can definitely relate to maybe three out of five.

But, I found that the below model — inspired by an episode of "Friends," where Chandler finds out his girlfriend cheated on him — was much more fitting to my experience.

Here are the stages of dealing with a breakup, as explained by Joey, Chandler and Ross from "Friends":

1. Sweatpants

The first 48 hours were out of a Toni Braxton video.

Queue spontaneous tears and the inability to do anything without becoming a crumbling, emotional mess.

I wish I could say I’m just being dramatic, if only for my pride.

All my actions from washing the dishes, getting dressed and making the bed were accompanied by giant tears and a runny nose.

Not my sexiest moments.

Unlike Chandler, I didn’t wear the same sweatpants for a week.

Rather, I got up, showered and got back into bed, accompanied by "The Notebook."

I then proceeded to cry every five minutes.

Some people think you need to dust yourself off and get on with it, but I say, embrace it.

You will never truly get over someone if you don’t allow yourself to mourn what you were.

The sooner you go through this phase, the better, especially if you don’t want everyone at work to judge you for wearing the same smelly, stained sweats for a week.

2. Food

This will be different for everyone.

Some people eat themselves into a heartbroken food coma. Others physically can’t keep anything down.

Sadly, I was the latter.

I tried to eat, but my body would not allow it.

It’s a good thing I have a booty because eventually, my body started living off that.

3. Social Media

Pretty much everyone has a Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat account.

Be prepared to find yourself scrolling through his or her pages up to seven times per hour.

This is what I call “self-destruction mode.”

It’s almost like you want to find anything to hurt you. Don’t ask me why.

Nothing you do or think at this point makes any sense.

You need to binge, purge and scroll until your thumb falls off. If that isn’t enough, switch hands.

Now comes the hard part: Delete him or her from any and all social media.

The less you see this person, the less you will think of him or her. Do it.

4. “Drink at the strip club."

I can honestly say I don’t know anyone who goes to a strip club, but it’s the 21st century (and surely everyone just uses porn).

But unless it’s like "Magic Mike," I have no interest in strippers.

I did, however, have a sudden urge to go out.

For girls, a night out is no more than drinking, being with your friends, getting dressed up, making yourself look and feel good, dancing because you haven’t got a care in the world and laughing at the awful pick-up lines that get thrown your way.

If you hit this stage, you are on your way to recovery.

Just make sure you’ve deleted his or her number. It’s the best way to avoid drunk dialing.

5. Reminiscing

Whether you keep a diary or your friends have to sit you down and give you a play-by-play of the times you moaned about your relationship, you need to take a walk down memory lane.

You will find that right now, right when it’s fresh, you only have good memories.

But why did you break up? Why wasn’t it working?

Did he or she cheat? Did he or she give up on you?

Were you tired of having the same argument?

6. “Picture yourself with other women."

Like a lot of women, I can appreciate the beauty of other ladies.

My ultimate girl crush is Eva Mendes, for anyone who’s interested. However, I would not say I have ever imagined myself with her.

I would have to say I am not quite there yet.

I’m old-fashioned and prefer to know someone for a while before I imagine that person naked, or us simultaneously naked together.

Sure, you need to get under someone to get over your ex. But don’t force it.

7. It's okay to be "not wanting a relationship ever again, and only wanting to have sex with strippers and your friends."

It is safe to say I will not be having sex with my friends, as the guys are in relationships and the girls are girls.

Not wanting a relationship ever again is a big claim.

But, I don’t want a relationship right now. It will take time.

One day, you will find you haven’t thought about him or her for half an hour. Then, a whole day goes by, and eventually, a week.

Celebrate these small victories because you will see that person again, be it on social media or face-to-face.

You may even find yourself in the arms of someone else, and it still won’t fill the void of that person.

So be prepared to feel like you have taken two giant steps back.

You don’t know how long it will take to get over someone. Just do what feels right and give it time.

I know it’s the biggest cliché in the world, and I used to want to punch anyone who said it.

But it's true: “Time heals all wounds."

If all else fails, try to be selfless.

Is your ex happier without you? If the answer is yes, let him or her be.