My birthdays started going downhill early. In fact, I can pinpoint the exact year: 2002. I was turning 11 and still hadn’t received a letter from Hogwarts. The distress was crushing and all-consuming.
That year set the stage for every birthday since, and it pretty much sums up my current feelings on the subject.
Like most holidays we get overly excited about, birthdays are disappointing to say the least. At their most awful, they can be downright depressing.
Don't trust the greeting-card hype. Aside from the fact you’ve lost another year of your life, here are a few reasons why birthdays are actually the worst.
You’re a grownup now, and you have to work.
As a kid, even if you had to go to school on your birthday, you didn’t have to do anything serious. Everything was super chill, and your teacher gave you a break if you goofed off a little bit.
Now, if your birthday happens to fall on a weekday, you are not a special snowflake.
You’re expected to clock in and out on time, finish those TPS reports and endure a lackluster chorus of “Happy Birthday" from bored coworkers who just want a piece of cake.
You never get to do what you want.
My ideal birthday would be lying in bed watching Netflix all day and eating various foods covered in Nutella. I wouldn’t have to put on pants, and no one would judge me for it.
Instead, in our FOMO-obsessed culture, you're expected to do things. You have to plan your own party. You have to invite people out for dinner, drinks and talk to them.
It’s exhausting just thinking about it.
You don't get anymore presents.
Do you remember the last birthday gift you got? I mean, aside from your friends buying you a drink or some questionable wardrobe choices from your mom?
Adults don't get presents, at least not on the same level as children.
Gone are the days of tearing open present after present, surrounded by tissue paper and the tears of your less-fortunate friends.
Birthday = Aging + Alcohol = Tears
Yup, you're going to cry tonight.
You're wasting your life; you haven't settled down yet. You only have a few good years left before your hip gives out.
Everything sucks and you just want to be a kid again. Plus, the bartender cut you off, and you're a hot mess who will never find a husband.
Social media makes every birthday one of shame.
There are never enough notifications. No matter how many you get, it’s less than the year before and less than your friend Catelyn got on her engagement pics.
Nobody loves you enough to even write HBD on your wall, and you will die friendless and alone.
You never hear from that one special person.
There’s always someone; it may be an ex-boyfriend or an old friend. And whether he or she is out of your life or out of the country, you know you won't hear from this person on your special day.
Inevitably, everyone else’s well wishes will fall short because none of them come from the person you really want.
Every year, the hangover gets worse.
As you get older, it becomes harder and harder to bounce back the morning after.
You wake up with a pounding headache and cotton mouth, and ask yourself, "What. Is. The. Point?!"
Celebrating hardly seems worth it when you're laid up for an entire day afterwards.
I say we just scrap the whole idea of birthdays and spend the rest of our lives in age-ignorant bliss.