Don't Be Late: What Your Birth Control Alarm Time Says About You

by Candice Jalili

When I was in college, I took my birth control at 8 pm on the dot.

I couldn’t settle on a morning time because my class schedules changed EVERY quarter. Not to mention, there were quarters where I’d have an 8 am class one day and then no class until 2 pm the next day.

In college terms, that meant I woke up at 7:55 am one morning and 1:30 pm the next.

And don’t even get me started on weekends. What time were we going to start day drinking again?

Anyway, mornings were out of the question. Nights were a beast of their own. The sweet spot I found for myself was 8 pm -- the time after dinner but before drinking -- which worked well for my four college years.

But then I graduated, and my lifestyle changed. Mostly what changed was that I was introduced to the post-grad phenomenon of happy hours. This meant that I often found myself too drunk to remember my birth control at 8 pm.

NOW what time was I supposed to change it to? I normally wake up at 8 for work, so I could have changed it to an early-morning wake-up.

But what about the weekends, when I’m absolutely 100-percent, no-doubt-about-it asleep during that time?! Early mornings were out of the question.

I explored the option of midday, around 2 pm. I was guaranteed to be awake in the broad daylight -- very doable. But then I remembered I love to day-drink on Saturdays, even post-grad. So 2 pm quickly got pushed out of the question.

11:30 am was the final sweet spot I decided on. It's the only time of the day I am consistently both sober and awake.

My birth control time obviously says a lot about my ongoing struggle with mild alcoholism. But everybody’s birth control time says something about them.

There’s your laid-back (and always maybe pregnant) friend who takes it ~whenever~. There’s your Type A friend who insists on taking it at 2:03 pm every day without fail. There’s your intuitive friend who insists that she just knows when it’s time. There’s your hypochondriac friend who actually downloaded the birth control app.

Think about it. The way each of your friends takes her birth control says something about her personality.

So here’s what your birth control time says about you.

6:00 am: The Early Riser

You have your sh*t mega-together. You wake up, you work out, and odds are, you even EAT BREAKFAST!!!

You hold a job that requires you to be up at this ungodly hour, and you have managed to not get fired and also not get pregnant. Pat yourself on the back. You’re going places.

6:00 am (except for weekends): The Not-A-Girl, Not-Yet-A-Woman

You are faking it until you make it. Unfortunately, you have not quite made it yet.

Monday through Friday, you are a functioning, upstanding member of society. But on the weekends, you just want to let your hair down a little bit.

8:00 am: The Practical Chick

You hold a nine-to-five job, so your birth control time, like most choices you make in your life, makes sense: You take it nice and early -- as soon as you wake up in the privacy of your own home and release yourself from the stress of having to worry about it for the rest of the day.

What happens on the weekends? Your alarm will go off, and you’ll pop it in quickly before going back to bed. You’ve got it figured out.

10:00 am: The Brunch Lover

When Sunday morning rolls around, you are craving three things: bottomless mimosas, eggs Benedict and birth control.

I’m kidding. But the point is you are a breakfast-loving betch who is up and ready to recap last night (and take birth control) with your friends as soon as you wake up.

11:30 am: The Low-Key Alcoholic

Ah, my people. If you’re anything like me, this was a very strategically chosen time. You love to day-drink. You also love to night-drink.

As I mentioned earlier, this is the only time of the day when you are both 100 percent sober and awake. You can pop your pill in on your way to an early lunch because you, much like me, forgot to have breakfast. So no need to worry about your co-workers seeing you.

1:30 pm: The Zero-F*cks-Given B*tch

You will take that pill anywhere, in front of anyone because you are a badass bitch who gives zero f*cks.

Sure, you might be day drinking on Saturday, but you’ll take it in the middle of the bar. Sure, you could be in a meeting with the CEO of your company, but that alarm will go off, and you will slip that pill right in like it ain’t no thang.

5:00 pm: The Hard Worker

You hold down a nine-to-five, and you treat your birth control as an end-of-day reward. At 5:00, you are ready to be free from work and guaranteed no pregnancy! You f*cking EARNED this moment.

8:00 pm: The Ambitious Boss Lady

In college, you worked hard and played hard. You had classes all day, busted out some homework, then squeezed in a quick dinner -- and MAYBE a nap if you were lucky -- and were out and ready to rage by nine.

And 8 pm was the perfect post-dinner nap/pre-rage time for you to quickly take the pill before you hit the town.

Then you graduated college and got a swag job that required you to be in the office until later than most. Luckily, 8:00 still worked, since you're leaving the office right as your friends are stumbling out of happy hour.

9:00 pm: The Homebody

You are a relationship kind of girl. Odds are that 9 pm rolls around, and you're snuggled up in bed with your boyfriend ready to do the dirty…or finish tonight’s episode of "House of Cards."