Whatever You Do, You'll Be A Better Mom Than This Former Beauty Queen

According to my friends with babies, there are a lot of things nobody tells you about having a kid. Namely, how you'll be covered in some form of bodily fluid at all times. Or how no matter how hard you try, you'll never be able to wash away that “new baby” smell from all your clothes and out of your hair.

Usually, no one tells you to not do drugs either, especially if you're breastfeeding. Because, duh, common sense. Supposedly, anyway.

To an Arizona TV anchor and an ex-beauty queen, not quite common sense. The baby mama breastfed her four-month-old munchkin precisely 12 hours after -- wait for it -- doing a line of coke. I'd ask her what she's snorting, but I guess that's pretty obvious.

The mother, Krystin Sorich Lisaius, admitted to doing a line of coke in the bathroom after a party. After breastfeeding the baby the next morning, the kid became “lethargic and very difficult to wake.”

Like the beacon of good parenthood that they were, both parents rushed their kid to the hospital, who requested a blood test. They refused and went to another hospital, who asked for the same. They refused again. The doctors there were able to figure out there was cocaine in the baby's system via a urine sample.

Here's the kicker: the mama thought breastfeeding her baby post-cocaine binge was TOTALLY FINE because “she didn't think the baby would be affected after approximately 12 hours.”

Both mommy and daddy were charged with child abuse, and possession of a dangerous drug and drug paraphernalia. Their lawyer is calling it "a hard, embarrassing lesson" to learn, which seems about as much an understatement as calling a tornado "a little wind." Most importantly, the baby is staying with its grandmother, who seems like she's significantly smarter than those two.

Moral of the story: don't be a parent, ever. Also, don't do drugs.

Citations: Former Beauty Queen Charged With Child Abuse After Breastfeeding Her Baby While on Cocaine (Cosmopolitan)