I'm a bitch, and that makes me a better friend.
Allow me to elaborate.
Most non-bitchy conversations with friends roll out like this:
Non-bitch friend one: That guy I went on a date with last week still hasn't texted me. What do you think happened?
Non-bitch friend two: Oh, he's probably busy. He'll totally text you.
Non-bitch friend three: It's only been a week.
Non-bitch friend four: Maybe you should text him.
Do you see the problem with having a circle of exclusively non-bitchy friends? No worries if not.
I'm about to drop some bitch realness on you.
That same conversation with me, a bonafide bitch, would go something like this:
Non-bitch friend: That guy I went on a date with last week still hasn't texted me. What do you think happened?
Me, the bitch: I think he wasn't that into you.
Non-bitch friend: But he told me he would text me. He said he had a great time and would love to see me again. I don't get it.
Me, the bitch: Right, but then he never acted on it, which means he was lying.
Non-bitch friend: But why would he say that, then?
Me, the bitch: Because men are terrible people who lie to get into your pants. Did you sleep with him?
Non-bitch friend: (Silence.)
You get the gist.
Now, I'm not advocating having all bitch friends.
As they say, too many cooks in the kitchen spoil the broth.
This is especially the case if you're a non-bitch who often finds herself in situations that require some tough love.
Too many bitch friends can complicate things.
They'll end up competing to be heard, which can be a real headache.
But you absolutely need to have at least one token bitch friend.
Bitches aren't afraid of coming off as too harsh, hurting your feelings or saying the wrong thing.
In fact, most bitches aren't afraid of anything, which makes them bitches in the first place.
They speak their minds, they demand to be heard and ultimately and they get what they want.
They just get a bad rap along the way because being a bitch goes against the norm, especially if you're a "lady."
We're not polite. We're not nice.
We know all of that is overrated.
If you want a bestie who's going to humor you on things like sending that text message to the guy who's already moved on to his next conquest, that's your prerogative.
But I'd rather be the real friend.
I'd rather be the one who tells you what's really going on, even when you don't want to hear it or when it's hard.
Don't get me wrong; bitches aren't without sympathy.
We just channel it differently.
By differently, I mean mostly through rage.
On the outside, I might seem pissed off you don't understand why that guy isn't calling you back.
But really, it's because I care so goddamn much about you and don't want to see some dude step all over you.
You're worth more than that.
If it takes my tough love for you to learn that, so be it.
If you don't have a bitch bestie in your inner circle, I suggest you find one stat.
We'll push you out of your comfort zone.
We'll make you man up and take that new job.
We'll make you move to that new city.
We'll call you out on your bullsh*t.
We'll real talk you when it's time to move on from that relationship that isn't serving you anymore.
Hell, we'll be the ones who'll speak up at the wedding you shouldn't be going through with.
We don't do the "nod and smile."
But do you really want a friend who will?