It's usually by the third glass of wine that I bring up the topic of oral to my friends during our drunken chats. I like to hear their opinions, and being close friends with a lesbian couple, I get extra information on topics like this.
"I don't understand what your problem is," they laugh. Or, they'll say, "You clearly haven't been with anyone who knows what they are doing!"
Maybe they're right, or maybe it's just me, but does anyone else have an irrational fear of letting their partner go down on them?
I can't remember when it started. I've never really had a dry spell. And since the age of 19, I've had a line of serious relationships and steady sex partners, so it's hard to pinpoint when exactly this fear began.
All I remember is that one time, when an ex started to work his way down toward the south of my border, I tried (in the most graceful manor) to pull him back up north to distract him with kisses. This brought him to question me.
"What? Don't you like it?" he said. I quickly blurted out in response, "No, not really..."
Since that day, he never once tried to navigate his way back down there. And after that long-term relationship ended, I found myself back out on the single playing field and practically beating away men who tried to give me "a kiss down under," to put it nicely.
So, what exactly is wrong with me? And after discussing this with multiple people, I know I'm not the only one who feels weird about having oral sex.
Why can't I just sit back, relax and enjoy the experience? Why is it any time a guy even glances in that general direction, I tense up, cringe and a shiver goes shooting through my body? Am I broken? Does anyone else react this way?
Here are all the reasons receiving oral just makes me die of embarrassment:
1. I don't want you that close.
Apart from porn, I've never seen a vagina other than my own, and even at that, it's hard to bend enough to get a good view of it. So, knowing someone is close enough to lick it freaks me out. It makes me uncomfortable knowing you can look right at it and see a part of myself I've never actually been able to look at before.
What if it doesn't look nice? You can stare at my face all you want. I know what that looks like. But my lady garden? Well, that's private.
2. I'm worried you'll compare it to others.
Like I said, I've never seen another vagina in real life before. I'm sure you, on the other hand, have been face-to-face with plenty. I'm paranoid that the entire time you're down there, you'll be comparing it to others you've seen.
Is it more pink? Smaller? Bigger? Does it look weird? Is it better than the last one? Or, does it not live up to the last one? I'll never know what you're thinking while staring at it, and that's seriously off-putting.
3. I'm worried you hate doing it.
Most people claim to love it. I, on the other hand, cringe at the thought. Yeah, maybe it's personal preference, but if I personally wouldn't do it, it's hard for me to imagine you enjoying it.
I don't want you to hate it and then secretly resent me for making you do it. Don't say you enjoy it just to be polite. I'd rather you be honest, so I don't feel guilty.
4. What if it doesn't taste nice?
The internet is constantly telling us things like alcohol and coffee affect the taste. It's too much pressure. The second you start to go near my lady parts, I start calculating how many coffees I've had that week, and then I begin to panic it's going to taste like a sewage system down there. (Disgusting, I know.)
So, how can I relax and enjoy the pleasures in life when I'm worried you'll be gagging because Google told me caffeine makes my vagina juices smelly? Maybe I should get off the internet.
5. Do I have to shave it?
I'll be honest: Shaving is nothing but effort. It's a chore, and in an ideal world, every woman would ditch the razors and run around as nature intended. It takes me long enough to shave my legs in the shower, never mind anything else.
I'll shave what's necessary for hygienic reasons, but if you want a full Brazilian wax, well, you're with the wrong girl, my friend. My hair grows way too fast for that nonsense. Regrowth itch and razor burn are not worth the two minutes you are down there.
Plus, stubble regrowth isn't cute or sexy, so unless you've caught me fresh out of the shower, then there's no chance in hell I am letting you go down there.
Maybe it's my own paranoia, my own terrible insecurities and body issues, and maybe I'm not the only one who thinks this way. But, I just can't seem to relax enough to ever enjoy the experience. No guy I've never been with has cared enough or been bothered enough to actually listen to my overactive mind and reassure me I have nothing to worry about.
Maybe, one day, I'll meet someone who'll actually make me enjoy the experience. Heck, I might even love it.
But until then, back away, boys. Having you down between my knees is too stressful for me to even think about, and I'm exhausted at the thought already.