I was in a fraternity in college.
That said, I don't think I'd necessarily qualify as a "frat boy," per se. I mean, a lot of my habits didn't really coincide with the rest of my brothers, despite the "lifelong bonds" that we'll forever share.
I'm not a big beer guy. I'm not necessarily one for loud screaming or fist pumping -- and, come to think of it, I'm pretty antisocial, on the whole.
Yet, if there's one thing I learned after living in a fraternity house for most of my college life, it's how to spot one of these guys out in the wilderness.
"Frat boys" get a bad wrap in today's society. Many will view our beer-guzzling friends as lazy or dimwitted, but I've always considered them to be misunderstood, above all.
Fraternities mean well, although their execution from time to time might be lackluster, at best.
Still, a lot of the same habits that guys will build during their fraternal years will carry over with them into their adult lives. And while these habits may appear to be humorous -- charming, even -- during the college years, they tend to grow old once they enter their child-rearing years.
But not every kid who's ever been in a fraternity will fit the typical "frat boy" billing that society has penned up after numerous installments of National Lampoon films.
But there are bits and pieces of the world of beer-funneling and pledge-hazing a former frat boy can't help but take with him into his adult life.
Like I mentioned earlier, I'm not really like the rest of my fraternity brothers -- but I've got an entirely separate set of issues of my own, so, go figure.
But if you were ever wondering whether or not someone you're conversing with at work or just recently exchanged pleasantries with at the bar pledged a fraternity in college, here are a few specific things you should look out for.
1. He doesn’t treat the interns too kindly.
These are interns? What? Look like a bunch of corporate pledge-f*cks to me.
2. If he’s not still talking about college, you could bet he’s boasting about his high school days.
Yo, I’m not going to say college was the best time of my life, because, honestly, high school probably contained less responsibility.
3. He has a large collection of khakis and pastel-colored Polo shirts.
Well, don’t forget about the lacrosse pinnies and beer-related graphic tees.
4. He can still appreciate a nice lukewarm Natty Light.
Also a big fan of generically branded, dirt-cheap vodka that comes in plastic handles.
5. He still has his council position on his resume.
Do you think I should include “Pike President?” I mean, it’s a retail sales position, but it probably couldn’t hurt to add.
6. He’s really good at completely useless tasks like darts and pong.
Beer pong, specifically -- and who says beer pong is useless?!
7. He lasts longer at keg stands than he does at sex.
But both last pretty long, bro. I can keg stand for almost a full minute.
8. He’s really high on Donald Trump as the Republican candidate.
I think Trump’s policies are sound -- and I appreciate his honesty. Can’t really think of a reason why he ISN’T fit to be our nation’s president...
9. He drops words like “legend” and “legacy” in seemingly trivial conversation.
My whole legacy is full of legends -- and that’s why I chose to order a sandwich for lunch.
10. He has a name for his penis.
I don’t think it’s strange to name my penis. His name is Karl. Is that so bizarre?
11. He’s constantly rummaging around asking people if they have any extra quaaludes lying around.
Dude, you have to have a few ludes laying around somewhere. Bro, come on. I’ve been very stressed out with Katie starting elementary school and all.
12. He’s largely patriotic but bears minimal knowledge about any relevant political issues.
I hope they’re not saying anything bad about ‘MURICA, because -- if they are -- tell them I want to fight.
13. He still goes back for every game day.
I don’t care if our football team hasn’t won in eight years -- you could learn a little something about SCHOOL PRIDE. Not to mention, the incoming freshman class. BRROOOOOO. FRESHMAN BRO!
14. He considers crying to be weak.
Yo dude, crying is for bitches -- unless he’s having a drunk bro moment with your brothers. Then it’s cool.
15. He thinks Uranus is a funny name for a planet.
Because it’s like ur-anus. Like butts. Do you get it? It’s funny, bro.
16. It’s all downhill for him from here.
But at least I’ll always have the memories.