9 Reasons Why A Cat Beats A Boyfriend This Cuffing Season
Ayn Rand was not the first to apply philosophical terms to the nature of the cat (see: Ancient Egyptians).
But, she did remind us that a person doesn't need to have an interest in cats to acknowledge their objective value (or have a subscription to Cat Fancy). Despite this fact, there is something to be gained from owning cats: an enriched life.
But, alas, there are those who live in the most unfortunate of situations -- that, of course, being "catless." It is for those poor souls I provide the following list of nine reasons why cats make the best roommates.
This is a somewhat unnecessary list, given the that owning inherently valuable things is a reason in-and-of-itself, but since there still remains a large sect of the population that believes dogs are better than cats, it is quite necessary.
1. No judgment
Love to stay in bed until noon, walk around naked and constantly munch on food that has been left out for days? No worries! Cats not only understand, but enjoy engaging in exactly the same activities.
So, go ahead; miss your 3 o'clock for that three-hour nap in the company of your approving cat.
2. They care about your health
Tired of hearing friends, family and coworkers tell you that you work too hard? "Hey [insert name], you're so productive and efficient!" Of course, you are; you don't need someone to tell you that.
Wouldn't it be nice to have someone pause your efficiency for just one day? After all, we can only be so successful in life.
Well, imagine coming home and opening your laptop to an infinitum of unread emails, sticky notes and unfinished word documents, only to have a furry bag of purring meat lay across your keyboard. Yes, this is the life of the cat owner, and it can be yours, too.
You see, cats understand the importance of rest and relaxation, and will lay across any book, tablet or keyboard you happen to be using to prevent you from overtaxing yourself. They really do care.
3. They remind you of what's important
Not only do cats care about our physical health, they also care about our character and strive every day to improve our value systems.
An unwatched glass of water is the cat's favorite philosophical tool. Leave a glass unattended and watch as your Siamese paws it off the counter, shattering it into a million pieces. How should you feel? Shocked? Angered? NO. You should feel nothing.
What may have seemed like a careless attempt to play with water was the imparting of a valuable lesson: There's more to life than material things. Like napping.
4. They advocate for recycling and repurposing
Human roommates might bitch and moan about your constant online shopping, but what they're telling you is to stop blocking the front door with your empty Amazon boxes.
However, you don't see the rush in throwing them away. I mean, hey, you might use them again, right? Look, it's okay to defend your laziness with vague promises you have no intention of keeping, but with cats, this is all unnecessary.
Cats are well-known proponents of repurposing and will sacrifice their busy schedules to jump in and out of cardboard boxes to promote a greener lifestyle.
5. They force you to clean
Because no one wants a fresh whiff of Petco upon entering an apartment. Seriously, though, that ain't cute.
6. You can literally say anything to them
Anything. Remember, it's a judgment-free zone with cats, so you can express your opinions on politics and religion all you want; they are completely tolerable.
Also, they don't understand words.
7. Pest control
Tired of having to catch all those mice in your apartment? Get a cat! This is also a great preventative measure for keeping unwanted human guests from entering your apartment.
And, by "unwanted," I am, of course, referring to those with psychological cat allergies. That's right, people; I said it. It's all in your head.
8. They are self-sufficient
There's nothing like coming home after a nice evening out only to find your human roommate passed out on the bathroom floor, covered in vomit.
Actually, there is something like that — it's called living with people who are probably like you or slightly worse, which is a no-no. While having to grow up and be the adult of the household may be good in some regards, it can also become very tiresome.
Replace your old college pal with a calico tabby and you'll no longer have to clean up mysterious puddles of vomit — cats take care of that themselves!
9. Endless entertainment
There's a reason why cat videos are a thing, and why having more than two cats is underrated. Own a cat (or three or four), and you will be provided with hours of non-stop entertainment for days on end.
You'll no longer need Netflix, snacks, Tinder, or even other humans to keep you occupied when you've got cats. They're all you need for a fulfilling life!