After some recent, let's say, faux pas, I found myself daydreaming about technology that should exist in order to make our First-World lives even easier.
Call it "Millennial" of me, but I think that if people are creating apps to track the number of miles you walk in a day, they should be working on some self-help apps that might actually make a difference.
The New Year brings with it new opportunities for the next Snapchat mastermind to change the way we live our everyday lives, and I'd like to provide the following suggestions for apps that should come about in 2015.
1. A weather app based on your outerwear
Think of the endless marketing opportunities here! And, yes, you're gonna look like a douche if you step out with that cropped denim in 50-degree weather.
2. An app that prohibits you from texting someone multiple times in a row after midnight
Because the number of times you text him in a row should NEVER equate to the number of drinks you've downed.
3. An app that tracks your WPK (wallet, phone, keys)
And, alerts you that all are within your apartment, safely, the next morning... somewhere.
4. Bank account alert that's actually helpful
I'd like to know when my account has fallen under $100, not under $25. By that point, I'm already saying "f*ck it" and buying people shots with that last $20.
5. The "I can't hang out because..." app
This consistently crafts the perfect, original "I can't do this because" response once you plug in the situation's circumstances.
6. Cheapest vodka in the area app
Your dignity can be lost tonight for $13.99.
7. French fry consumption counter
You have con-sumed twen-ty five fries. -- (robot voice)
This would purely be for giggles, not calorie-counting (ew).
8. Festival ticket hack app
I'll volunteer to clean up and conveniently remove trash by the Lana Del Rey stage...
9. Beyoncé's nude selfie enhancer app
So you can send personalized nudes with Beyoncé's proportions to all the guys you haven't yet met in person.
10. Bar playlist app
Because grinding to Katy Perry should be recognized as a sin.
11. Bathroom line wait time app
So you can spend more time hangin' with that hottie and sippin' a G&T instead of with the funky smell in the back corner.
12. Regional sports stats app
In case you're basic, you can plug in cities and receive sports stats to repeat to the guy you met once who now lives in Ohio.
Oh my God, they're finally starting Johnny Football!
13. After-midnight FaceTime face blurring app
You worry you look gross, but think the best idea in the world is to FaceTime while wasted. Drunk self, crisis averted.
14. App that clears your social feeds of Disney-related news content
"45 Celebs That Look Just Like Disney Princesses"
15. App that blocks "where I am" statuses from people you aren't trying to see
Because I, hereby, announce 2015 as the year you don't have to hang out with people you hate.
Of course, there should also be apps invented that, you know, make a sizable difference in the lives of others, but people tend to create and spend time on things that don't matter -- like that law in Texas that allows kids to say "Merry Christmas" to each other.
Besides, just think what these apps could mean for future generations.
With all that time saved from spending pointless hours at sh*tty bars and in bathroom lines, some youth in America could figure out how to generate a mechanical heart from recycled goods... or something.