Instagram is a strange and wonderful social media platform. In the span of a few minutes, you can find out what NASA is sending into the sky, what kind of socks Snoop Dogg is wearing and what your friend’s grandma looks like.
This incredible variety is what keeps Instagram interesting, but there are certain posts that simply do not need to exist.
1. You Sitting On Your Dad’s Lap While Wearing A Bikini
I shouldn’t even have to go into detail on this one. I see this pretty frequently on Memorial Day and the Fourth of July when you’re with your family on a lake or the ocean or some other water-related location, and you’re curled up into your dad’s lap wearing next to nothing.
Well, you’re not conveying how much you love your family, you’re letting the world know you rub up against your papito in exchange for occasional credit card usage. Ew. Put on a sweatshirt and wave at your pops from across the room — you could use the distance.
2. A Bottle Of Low-Grade Wine
Sometimes, we take our broke asses to Trader Joe’s and stock up on wine that costs less than a load of laundry. That’s okay! It’s like pooping — everyone does it, but it’s nothing to brag about.
The same goes for the overly sweet, grape juice-esque wines you’ll find at any grocery store. Just don’t post photos of them on Instagram!
You may think it makes you look like a sophisticated wine connoisseur, but in reality, it just makes you look like a stupid middle schooler.
If you happen to be drinking something unique and high quality, go ahead and share it, but Barefoot and Yellow Tail ii for Snapchat, at best.
3. False #cleaneating #fitspo
Fitness inspiration, or “fitspiration,” has become huge in the Instaworld. I’m not going to hate on that. If seeing pictures of other people’s sweaty faces inspires you to join a gym or buy a bike, that’s great.
Go on a run, fatty. My problem is that I see SO MANY fitness-related hashtags that have nothing to do with fitness. Yes, that pizza has some vegetables on it, but it’s still a pizza and it's not “clean eating.”
4. Fake Marilyn Monroe Quotes
Oh man, but I could write a book on this one. I know that Pinterest is a reliable source (just kidding, read a book), but people didn’t even speak that way in 50s and 60s!
Have you ever seen a movie made before 1985? The Breakfast Club is not, in fact, the first motion picture to ever exist. “I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not” is a bastardization of a quote by French author and Nobel prize winner André Gide.
And that’s one of the few widely misattributed quotes in which the true speaker can be determined. The vast majority of these “Marilynisms” cannot be backed and likely originate from a PMS-ing teenager who thought of a fun sentence and superimposed it over a picture of Ms. Monroe.
It’s totally fine to like her and watch her movies, but understand that the best thing to come out of her mouth was JFK’s dick (forever on your side, Jackie O).
5. Dead Celebrity Quotes
I had no idea you were so into Nelson Mandela! Or Philip Seymour Hoffman. Or Margaret Thatcher. Or that nice boy from "Glee." You get the idea.
I understand that we don’t always understand how much we care about someone until they’re gone, but that Mandela quote doesn’t resonate with the racist joke that you told me last weekend.
If you’re going to turn your Instagram into a temporary shrine for a dead celebrity, be respectful. Don’t post it just because you want your followers to think you kind of read the news sometimes.
6. Pictures Of Your Significant Other Being A Human
I know you love the person you’re dating, but you’re the only person who thinks that it is wonderful when he or she does regular activities, like making cereal or looking out of a window.
7. Legs On A Beach
The whole “hot dog legs” thing has done an excellent job of mocking this. Your sweaty, shiny legs are on a beach and they look kind of skinny. Okay. All right. Moving on.
8. Your Desk/Cubicle
I see you’ve got a banana for later — cool! Hey, is that's a Starbucks cup peeking out from behind those binders? Way to go, champ, you finish those spreadsheets — you’ve got this!
Alright, stop bumming me out with your workspace. If you’re making good money, I’m happy for you, but I don’t need to see it.
Honestly, I love seeing pictures of food on Instagram. I have a very limited diet and I live vicariously through those photos, but still, the foodporn hashtag is so overplayed.
From now on, I only want to see it when it’s a picture of actual porn and food, working together; like, some very dirty things better be happening with that BiBimBap.
10. Endless Old Pictures
Throwback Thursday or Flashback Friday — choose one. Stop flooding the feed with pictures from that weeklong, $2000 “mission trip” (thanks, Mom and Dad!) or the weekend you looked really hawt because you had just lost 15 pounds from a bout with mono.
Also, photos of you in a summer dress with captions like “Can it please be summer?” and “Take me back.” Use your throwbacks the way we don’t use our limited oil supply: thoughtfully and wisely.
Photos via Instagram