10 Types Of Facebook Stalks Every Human Being Is Guilty Of Commiting

By Drew Carson

No matter how private someone tries to make his or her profile, it’s always possible to find something. This inevitable truth has made our generation excellent Facebook stalkers. It’s not that anyone really cares about your entire life story, but the more we post, the better we can stalk.

So why do we stalk so intently? Check out the top 10 reasons why we are all crazy when it comes to Facebook stalking… in no particular order because let’s face it, crazy is crazy.

1. The "New Job" Stalk

How else are you supposed to research your coworkers when starting a new job? Who’s hot? Who’s annoying? There is no way you can talk to them all in person, so it’s better to assess their social media presence before wasting any time pretending you can get along.

2. The "Ex" Stalk

This is the most obvious stalk of all. You stalk your ex from your most recent relationship all the way back to your first kiss in the bathroom of the public library. You often ask yourself if he is doing better than you are and wonder whom he is dating now. Sometimes you honestly care, but even if you are happy with someone else or happy alone, most times, you just want to know.

3. The "Ex's New Boyfriend/Girlfriend" Stalk

Is she really prettier than you are? Absolutely not — she’s hideous. Her tattoos are horrible and she looks so old. Is it possible that he’s better in bed than you are? Absurd — she doesn't even look happy with him. This stalk is especially pleasing when your best friend agrees and legitimizes your obviously accurate thoughts.

4. The "People From High School/College/Past In General" Stalk

Whether you are stalking friends with whom you lost contact or someone you always hated, you always want to create some sort of life story on which you've “missed out.” It usually includes internal thoughts like, “WTF, SHE HAS FIVE KIDS NOW?” or, “Another person is engaged and I’m still single.”

5. The "New Potential Love Interest" Stalk

You can meet someone randomly, on Tinder or through a friend but the truth still remains: you don’t actually know if you like him until you look through his pictures and stalk his profile. Who really remembers what anyone looked like at 2am last night?

6. The "How Drunk Did I Get And What Bar Has Photographic Proof?" Stalk

It seems that somehow, every bar has commissioned photographers to take photos of you at your weakest moments — wasted and overly photogenic because you’re “like totally having the best time ever.” These photos like to crop up on bar Facebook pages and you’ll realize you were spread eagle on a booth with both eyes closed.

7. The "Self-Esteem Booster" Stalk

It’s the most basic of stalks and isn't really targeted toward anyone in particular, except whoever will make you feel better about yourself. You’re most likely waiting awkwardly somewhere and have nothing to do but scroll though your phone. It usually involves going through every photo that’s visible on someone’s profile. “She used to have long hair and now it’s short and I just really don’t think it looks good.”

8. The "Catch Them In A Lie" Stalk

Use this stalk on friends, hook-ups and romantic partners alike when they say that they are “staying in” or “taking it easy tonight.” They better be careful where they post a status because if the GPS feature does not reflect a location near their neighborhood or if they dare to check-in somewhere, you will be watching. Busted.

9. The "Did They Delete Me As A Friend?" Stalk

Sometimes you randomly think about a friend or someone you with whom you used to sleep and how he or she hasn’t popped up on your newsfeed in a while… DID THEY UNFRIEND YOU? WHY?

10. The "What Can I Post That Will Get This Person’s Attention?" Stalk

This is a pretty complicated stalk that has evolved from your need to get someone’s attention. What song lyric should you post from one of their “liked” bands? What witty thing based on their interests can you say you’re doing right now so they think you are intriguing when really you are just stalking them on Facebook?

Photo via ABC