I’m a beer guy, but it hasn’t always been that way. It’s taken years of learning for me to wake up after a night of drinking with minimal damage to my body.
It really is a science, as there are numerous factors that go into determining what kind of hangover one will experience after an evening of imbibing. Some of these factors include type of liquor, age and mood.
Here are the top 10 deadly hangovers, in no particular order:
1. The beer hangover
This is my favorite, just because I personally believe it involves the least amount of vomiting.
This unique hangover involves waking up bloated as hell, with a slight headache. You probably won’t be hungry because if you drink like a goddamn champ, you’re probably still full from all that beer.
The only problem is all that liquid has to come out eventually. And nobody likes pissing out of the ass.
2. The liquor hangover
The liquor hangover is caused by mixed drinks or straight shots. These types of hangovers can include vomiting, severe headaches, starving temptations and a dire need for sunglasses and Advil.
The good thing is you probably will avoid pissing out of your ass. As with everything in this world, there are pros and cons to every hangover.
3. The liquor and beer hangover
Okay, you’re basically asking for trouble with this one. Not only does the liquor and beer hangover cause vomiting and pissing from your ass, but it also causes stomach pains, headaches, the desire to sleep all day and the result of blacking the f*ck out.
Common morning-after scenarios include waking up wondering where the f*ck you are, and looking through your phone to see what debauchery took place the night before.
Nobody is ever happy experiencing the liquor and beer hangover. Sometimes, this particular hangover intertwines with the next one we will be discussing.
4. The I-never-want-to-drink-again hangover
It’s safe to say everyone has lived through at least 100 of these hangovers. The basis is that you wake up, and all you can think about is how you never want to drink again.
You feel like sh*t; you realize you looked like an idiot the night before, and it’s all because you decided to get a little too f*cked up. You went from euphoria to blackout a little too quickly, and now you're embarrassed of your behavior.
Advil and Pepto can help your headaches and stomach, but there isn't a remedy for losing your soul, bitches.
5. The I’m-still-drunk hangover
These hangovers are definitely up there with my favorites. I love being drunk. But what’s better than waking up drunk?
Although you probably will have a slight stomachache, a dry throat, and your head might be spinning, the fact that you are still rather intoxicated makes all the woes worth it.
We’ve all woken up early to run errands, gotten into our cars and said, “Sh*t, I’m still too drunk to drive.”
It’s nothing a nice Dunkin' iced coffee can’t fix. Chances are you blacked out the previous night, drank an insane amount of alcohol, and your body needs more than five hours of sleep to rid yourself of the toxins.
6. The I-want-to-keep-drinking hangover
Not everyone has encountered this particular hangover. That’s because not everyone is a f*cking champ.
You can learn a lot from a person who wakes up after a night of partying, and is ready to go right back at it. Honestly, when I think about it, I truly don’t know if that makes one a champ, or just a flat-out alcoholic.
I know I’ve fallen into this category almost every weekend, so I’m hoping it’s not the latter.
It could be the simple fact that your body has taken such abuse from alcohol, it has adapted to the sleepless nights and binge drinking. Going forward, your body’s only cure for a hangover may truly be more alcohol.
7. The depressed hangover
This is easily one of the worst hangovers of them all. It’s safe to say we’ve all been upset with something or another at one point in our lives. Whether it’s breaking up with your significant other, getting fired from your job or doing awful in school, everyone can relate to the depressed hangover.
For some reason, society thinks it is a good idea to drink our issues away. While it can be one of the most blackout nights of your life, the morning after is sure to be disastrous.
Aside from the normal hangover symptoms, you’re sure to wake up mentally miserable. You realize your exciting night actually did nothing to help you get over your problems.
Instead, your body and mind are so weak from all the alcohol, you can’t fight the depression running through your veins.
8. The college hangover
Boy, do I miss college. The college hangover meant you were living out your glory years. Although you woke up in a lot of pain, and usually in a place you had never been before, it was always worth it.
Cheap beer tasting like piss, along with vodka tonics probably filled with rubbing alcohol, will lead you to encounter this type of hangover. The best part about this specific hangover is the fact that it includes sitting around with your buddies who are also hungover, trying to piece together the previous night.
These hangovers can be cured with nothing more than a Gatorade and a bacon, egg and cheese from your local deli.
9. The post-grad hangover
The post-grad hangover may be the most overwhelming hangover you will ever experience.
From the day you graduate from college, your body basically turns alcohol from being a nutrient you need to survive, to kryptonite. These hangovers include waking up and wondering if it’s even worth it to party hard anymore.
It literally makes no sense. You drink half the amount in twice the time, while going to sleep hours earlier, yet you feel 1,000 times worse than you ever felt while you were in college.
Having to go to work and be a real human being, compared to walking into class looking like a caveman, probably contributes to the mental trauma this type of hangover may cause someone.
Statistics show that post-grad individuals suffer from hangovers twice as bad as college students (source: my own experiences).
10. The two-day hangover
I’ve always been told anything that lasts for more than a day is probably an awful experience. Whether it be working, being sick or even marriage, this logic seems to be severely accurate.
The two-day hangover is just as bad as anything mentioned above.
Pissing out of your ass once is manageable, but 48 hours of it is not on the top 10 list of things I enjoy doing. Waking up the second day after drinking, and realizing you’re still trapped in the hellish nightmare of your hangover, is possibly the worst feeling in the world.
The two-day hangover occurs by consuming a ridiculous amount of alcohol, a lack of sleep, awful eating and the lack of hydration.
Spoiler alert: You probably will pass on drinking for at least a couple of weeks. That is, unless you’re a f*cking savage like myself and don’t have a single living cell in your body that would decline alcohol.
The 10 deadliest hangovers are a part of life. There’s truly no avoiding any of them. Maybe you could, if you decided to stop drinking alcohol.
The only times you shouldn’t be drinking alcohol, realistically, is if you fall into either of the two following categories: 1) You are a fetus, or 2) you are dead.
Chances are, you fall into neither, so drink on, and let the good times roll.