Trump has all-but won the Republican nomination, so it's safe to assume that the end times are nigh. That means it's time to ask ourselves the important questions: How will we all deal with the zombie apocalypse when it comes?
Luckily, astrology has the answers.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): First to storm zombie army, but gets eaten alive in seconds.
Aries, the first sign of the zodiac, has a great deal of startup power but isn't always fully equipped when it comes to follow-through. People born under Aries are often in such a rush to take action that they rarely take the time to strategize, and in their rush to be the first declared hero, their courageous recklessness leads them right to the boneyard.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Refuses to eat canned food but is too lazy to hunt.
The strength that doubles as their biggest weakness is the Taurus's stubbornness and love of luxury. In the real world, a Taurus's refusal to compromise can win court cases, domestic arguments, and political campaigns.
But while people born under Taurus are hard workers in short bursts, they're known for being very slow-moving, which doesn't make them a real asset. The end of the world is going to require cooperation and accommodation, as well as quick reflexes. Taurus won't last long.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Finds out there's no Wi-Fi and throws self to the zombies.
Gemini is ruled by Mercury, the planet of information and communication. People born under Gemini live and breathe on the Internet, all forms of social media and by gathering information. They maintain deep and loving relationships via text message.
When doomsday arrives, the moment that the we stop being able to send messages through space, Gemini will undoubtedly say “Goodbye, Cruel World” and turn out the lights.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Rations out food and immediately begins to procreate with everyone.
In astrology, everyone's chart has 12 Houses. The 12 Houses each represent areas of our everyday life. Cancer rules the 4th House in astrology, which is the house of home, family and the mother.
The moment that Cancer hears our entire civilization could be wiped out, that nurturing instinct will kick into high gear, and Cancer will make sure there are babies on the way for years to come. Cancer people will probably team up with Scorpio for the procreation part.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): Yells “I hereby name myself ruler of the new world” and takes a nap.
God love 'em, but for a sign that is so good at bossing people around, Leo can be nearly the laziest sign in the zodiac. Somehow, while all other signs will be fighting to prove themselves useful, people born under Leo will do exactly as they please and remain virtually untouched by criticism. This is maybe because the person everyone is trying to prove themselves useful to is the Leo, who will be the first to tell you that some of us are “just born to rule.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Tells everyone where to find a shower and insists they do so immediately.
If there is anyone who could possibly be more undone by the end of days than Gemini, it would be Virgo, whose obsession with personal hygiene is almost incapacitating. Virgo is spared only an their ability to be of service to others -- this was Mother Theresa's sign, after all. Once Virgo has concocted a natural deodorant and found a water supply, you'd better believe anyone smelling salty is going to hear about it. (Virgo is also notoriously critical.)
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Asks everyone to “Please stop yelling."
Libra is ruled by Venus, the planet of beauty, love, money, romance, and creativity, and the 7th House of Partnership. People born under Libra like for things to be pleasant and fair. They have a strong distaste for confrontation, and public displays of anger leave them positively scandalized. The way Libra sees it, zombies tearing apart our loved ones doesn't mean our manners have to go out the window; everyone, just chill.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Finds all this way more stimulating than regular life.
People know Scorpio as the most sexual sign of the zodiac, and that may very well be true, but it goes a lot deeper than that (pun intended). Being the most sexual sign in the zodiac makes Scorpio people more in touch with their animal instincts. They're ruled by their gut, and they're the only sign who would thrive more in a post-apocalyptic world than the one we live in now.
If there's one thing Scorpio has a handle on, it's who to f*ck, marry and kill.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Wanders off to look for weapons, comes back with a pet zombie.
Sagittarius is an open-minded traveler, wandering the Earth searching for meaning. People born under Scorpio are extroverted, enthusiastic and naturally curious. They would be the first sign to break off from the group in the middle of the woods to go explore unknown territory, returning from their travels with a pet zombie and some socially unacceptable philosophies about how zombies could be the new domesticated dogs.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Builds real shelter and creates new government even though no one deserves it.
Even though Capricorn is a know-it-all pessimist with a strong dislike for the incompetence of humanity, this is the only sign in the zodiac that can save us all. People born under Capricorn are the CEOs of the Zodiac.
It doesn't matter that they find the rest of us to be morons; their respect for tradition, family, and quality craftsmanship compels them to create a safe harbor for humanity. Jesus was a Capricorn. Think about all the idiots he saved.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Invents a cell phone out of tree bark.
People born under Aquarius are the inventors, the trailblazers, the oddball geniuses of the zodiac. They function best in groups, where they can keep a finger on the pulse of what people need and want. Then they'll disappear to putter around in their minds, coming up with designs for a solar-powered chainsaw or a computer made of leaves.
Everyone will call them crazy until they show up with actual working walkie-talkies made from river rocks and old TV parts.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Truly believes they're having a nightmare, refuses to accept reality.
Those born under Pisces would deal with the apocalypse the same way they deal with everyday life now: genuinely unsure of what is real and what they are making up, wondering if there's really any difference after all. Will most definitely be eaten by zombies while lost in the woods.