10 Things Your Dumb Parents Couldn't Have Been More Wrong About
So your dumb parents were wrong about pretty much everything.
Don't believe me? Good. Skepticism is the first step toward true wisdom.
Now shut up and read my 10 examples of how your parents are idiots.
1. “Being cold gives you a cold.”
So remember how your parents were always telling you not to go outside with wet hair or to always bring a scarf because, apparently, cold weather will “give you a cold.” Well, as it turns out, this is about as accurate as the sentence, “Watching Oliver Stone movies turns you into a stone.”
IN FACT, cold weather actually stimulates the immune system. So, yeah, your dumb parents could literally have not been more wrong.
Me: 1 Your dumb parents: 0
2. “Wait an hour after eating before you swim in the pool.”
Your dumb parents made it seem like if you jumped into the pool right after eating a sandwich you would immediately get a cramp and drown to death faster than they could say “I’m disappointed in you.”
They were wrong.
No one really knows where this myth came from, but I suspect it was made popular by parents who wanted to sober up a bit from the mimosas they had during lunch before their children started flirting with drowning.
Me: 2 Your dumb parents: 0
3. “Don’t curse.”
Apart from the fact SCIENTISTS have confirmed cursing is a natural anesthetic — meaning by shouting “f*ck turtle!” or “sh*t canon!” people can literally up their pain tolerance — cursing is also just so great for expressing yourself and anyone who says otherwise can get f*cked.
I mean, imagine having to watch "Jurassic World" without being able to leave the theater yelling “WHAT HUMANOID ASS-TURD IS RESPONSIBLE FOR FILLING THAT SH*T-BUCKET OF A REBOOT WITH SO MUCH BOREDOM DIARRHEA?”
Me: 3 Your dumb parents: 0
4. “Video games rot your brain.”
Your parents used to tell you playing video games all day would turn you into a brain-dead sloth who can do as much arithmetic as a cat peeing on a calculator that is out of batteries. But, according to a little thing called THE AMERICAN PSYCHOLOGICAL ASSOCIATION, video games actually “strengthen a range of cognitive skills such as spatial navigation, reasoning, memory and perception.”
Now if your parents were to read that, they might respond with “sure, but violent video games are still bad for you.” But they’d be SO F*CKING WRONG (cursing is good, remember), yet again.
As the APA goes on to explain, the cognitive benefits of video games “is particularly true for shooter video games, which are often violent… shooter video games improved a player's capacity to think about objects in three dimensions just as well as academic courses designed to enhance these same skills.”
God, parents, you make me sick.
Me: 4 Your dumb parents: 0
5. “You will achieve your dreams.”
Wrong again -- unless by “your dreams” they meant “eating dollar pizza while watching YouTube videos of people getting hit in the balls with various household objects.”
Me: 5 Your dumb parents: 0
6. “They’re just jealous.”
Yeah, I’m pretty sure in ninth grade that kid who was getting over the pants hand jobs every weekend was not "jealous" of my extensive knowledge of the metafictional undertones of "Street Fighter."
Me: 6 Your dumb parents: 0
7. “You could be a model.”
This one was actually true. But what your parents meant was: “You could be a 'before' model... and only for feet.”
Me: 7 Your dumb parents: 0
8. “What comes around goes around.”
Really? Tell that to Donald Trump.
Trump has called Mexicans rapists, had a reality TV show to mythologize his capitalist sadism, told a journalist on air she wouldn’t have her job if she weren’t so hot, and this country is flirting with giving him control over whether or not the nuclear holocaust happens.
Pretty sure karma is officially not a thing.
Me: 8 Your dumb parents: 0
9. “You’re a genius.”
No. Einstein is a genius. I, on the other hand, can barely remember my Seamless password (TheSnackKing420).
Me: 9 Your dumb parents: 0
10. “Saddam has weapons of mass destruction.”
Yup. Really dropped the ball on this one, guys. Honestly, I don't know why we listened to anything you had to say after this.
Me: We all lose. Your dumb parents: We all lose.