9 Ways To Tell If You're In A Wonderfully Boring Adult Relationship
As I've approached the ripe old age of 25, I've realized there's a huge difference between being in an adult relationship and being in one when you're younger. Overall, there's a lot less sex, alcohol and wild nights out, which probably sounds like the lamest time of your life.
But, it does have some major upsides, like pooping freely and not being an insecure nutcase. Here's how you know you've left the tequila behind and entered the world of green smoothies and constant farts:
1. Netflix and chill is actually Netflix and chill.
Long gone are the days of Netflix and chill, when you hang out under the guise of watching Netflix, but you really you take the express train to Bone Town as soon as the opening credits roll. When you're in an adult relationship, you straight-up binge-watch your favorite show on Netflix while you're chillin' like a goddamn villain, swatting away any wandering hands.
Who am I kidding? There are no wandering hands. Having sex is so 2015.
2. You spend most of the day out of contact with each other.
You're both grown-ass adults with sh*t to do during the day. You don't need to know every time your SO takes another bite of his or her cafeteria salad, breathes or takes the daily dump at work.
You may or may not send a good morning text, send something funny during the day, have a few catch-up texts later in the day and say goodnight. Anything more, and you're just suffocating each other and letting the other person know you have nothing going on in your life.
3. You tag your SO in food posts instead of your friends in slutty or alcohol-related posts.
You used to tag your friends in funny memes about what big whores you are, and you'd LOL about how often you blacked out in strangers' bedrooms.
Now, you tag your SO in recipe pictures and videos of cheese dip that you really want to make together the next time you hang out. You already know you won't be jumping on the Bang Train, so dairy is fair game. Woo-hoo!
4. You stop having conversations about how well your friends will get along, and you start wondering if your pets will.
Conversation you used to have: “OMG I hope Sally and Bobby get along so we can all go out all the time and get blackout wastey pants.”
Conversation you have now: “OMG I hope Mr. Bunkles Snunkles and Little Miss Poopsy get along so we can move in together and have a beautiful fur baby family.”
Everyone knows once you get in an adult relationship you drop all your friends, so who cares if they don't get along? You just need to know your SO's dog won't dry hump the living daylights out of your cat.
5. You go on diets together instead of alcohol binges.
What do you do when all that lazy, sexless Netflix and chill and binge-eating has made you both blow up like Beluga whales? Go on a diet together.
A few months into an adult relationship, you'll look down and realize you have a big ol' gut hanging over your jeans. Since you can't make a big life change on your own, you both start a kale cleanse. You then up the romance by sh*tting around each other constantly until you've each shed 15 pounds in the most unhealthy way possible.
6. You openly poop instead of holding it in.
Speaking of diarrhea, this is hands-down the best part of being in an adult relationship. You have to poop? Do it at your SO's house without the fan on, and leave the door open after.
You can even flash your SO a sexy smile as you grab your phone and head toward the commode, ready to drop an atomic bomb. If your SO really loves you, he or she has to love every stinkin' part of you.
7. You don't talk about your sex life with your friends as much.
You stop telling your friends every little detail about your sex life with your SO. You do this mainly because there isn't much to talk about anymore.
But still, what you and your SO have is sacred. You don't want to disrespect that by telling your friends every time your SO cums on your face and fists your butthole. 'Cause let's get real: You may not bang that often anymore, but when you do, you make it so freaky you'd think it was Halloween.
8. Sunday Funday brings on a whole new meaning
Sunday Funday used to mean spending the day getting as sh*tfaced as possible with your friends, which would f*ck up your whole week.
When you're in an adult relationship, Sunday Funday means getting up early so you won't ruin your week's sleep schedule; making a sensible breakfast (probably with kale, avocado or some other trending healthy sh*t); doing some sort of physical activity together (like hiking a mountain while reciting positive mantras); reading for pleasure next to each other in dead silence without getting handsy; running errands and grocery shopping so you can make a lovely balanced dinner of more kale and avocado; and going to bed early without having sex.
Who needs to be ripping tequila shots and endlessly Tindering when you can be productive and drink assh*le-burning kale smoothies?
9. You don't find any of this boring and have never been happier.
When you were younger, all of this would have sounded like literal death to you. How could you have ever imagined giving up boning hot strangers and getting blackout drunk on the reg? What is a life without all of that?
I'll tell you what it is: bliss. The hard truth is that at the end of the day, a meaningful relationship is way more satisfying than casually boning a plethora of hotties. Now, excuse me while I go sidle up to my boyfriend, watch a full season of "Parks and Recreation" and get a damn good, orgasm-less night's sleep.