I Can’t Shed A Tear to Adele's 'Hello,' And I Am Not Ashamed

by Ashley Benoit
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Let me start out by saying this: Adele has some serious pipes, and that’s something no one can argue with. But to be totally honest, the girl is cray.

While you’re all sobbing along to Adele’s “Hello,” I’m dry-eyed and chipper -- and damn proud of it! Here’s why I’m not ashamed I can’t cry to “Hello.”

Let’s take a little looksy at the lyrics, shall we?

First off, she’s admitting to calling an ex ONE THOUSAND TIMES. I mean, seriously, I block someone after two unwanted calls and would be quick to whip out a restraining order if they tried to contact me even once more. How the hell is she even getting through that many times?

Calling someone 1,000 times is some of the craziest sh*t I have ever heard.

How do you even have time to rear your child when you’re dialing your phone so many times? On top of being straight up cray, that’s just irresponsible parenting.

Then, she's naïve enough to say he never seems to be home. Ummm, yeah, Adele, it’s called “screening a call.”

Welcome to the 21st Century, girlfriend -- excuse me, ex-girlfriend. Someone *cough cough Adele cough cough* clearly doesn’t know how to take a hint.

And besides, what ever happened to finding “someone like you,” huh? How have you not moved on? You have a baby daddy for F’s sake! I bet your new boo isn’t too thrilled with all your crazy shenanigans and I’m sure he agrees with me the lyrics should really be, “Hello from the other side… of the door to my padded room.”

And all of you sobbing lunatics RELATE to the craziness?!

It blows my damn mind. I mean, come on, you hear the first chord to the song and instantly burst into tears over someone you went on one date with back in 2007. Let’s get it together, people.

Being emotionally unstable is NOT something you should be bragging about and sharing with the world on social media. Instead of tweeting about how you’re crying and listening to Adele, why not do something productive and find a way to get yourself the Prozac prescription you desperately need -- or, more likely, up the dose you’re already taking.

And if prescription medication doesn’t work for you, just do what I do: Drown yourself in buckets of tequila and have enough casual sex until you forget your ex (read: person you talked to for five minutes in line at a Starbucks one time and never spoke to again) ever existed.

I mean, seriously, there are more than SEVEN BILLION people in the world and you really can’t move on from ONE? You all have to learn how to keep it moving.

To be perfectly honest, the only thing I cry over the loss of these days is gluten from my new diet. I probably cry the same amount as you, but at least I have a perfectly rational reason.

And the one part of this whole crying over “Hello” thing that really gets my panties in a bunch is you morose maniacs actually share pictures of yourselves crying! I already know most of you are emotionally unstable from your Facebook statuses. I don’t need photographic evidence to back up my inclination to throw you in a goddamn straight jacket the next time I see you.

Let’s be real here. If I want to see pictures of someone crying, I’ll look at memes of Kim Kardashian’s cry face for a good giggle and to remind myself she really doesn’t have it all.

Or I could always take selfies of myself crying to the ASPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan singing “In The Arms of an Angel.” Talk about not leaving a dry eye in the room.

If you ask me, Taylor Swift is way more relatable when she goes through a breakup. Just watch her “Blank Space” video for a tutorial on how it should really be done: throw a temper tantrum, destroy their personal belongings, humiliate them publicly and immediately move on to your next victim.

So keep your crazy, Adele. I’ll stick to revenge and actually moving on with my life.