It’s no secret that I hate animals. Yeah, yeah, get the pitchforks. See if I care.
I don’t get it. I don’t get pets. I don’t see the appeal. Sue me.
But I f*ck with animal lovers. Most of my friends like animals. I mean, I likely wouldn’t even have a squad if I straight up was like, "F*CK ALL YOU PEOPLE WITH ANIMALS." Because for whatever reason, y’all all have pets. You live your life, k?
I have seen people do some weird sh*t with their pets in my day, so I decided to do venture into the phenomenon. It should be noted that while I was gathering these tales, every single person started with a similar disclaimer:
"I don’t know if this is weird but…" "I don’t know if this counts but…" "This might just be me but…"
And then every single person followed this with something WEIRD. It got freaky up in here.
People talk and sing to their animals like people.
My mom sings to my dog, Lola, while she's sitting in her lap. She makes Lola dance by holding onto her arms and moving them around. I can't ever tell if she likes it or not.
-- Talia, 23
I talk to my bird like he's a normal person and then get a LITTLE annoyed when he doesn't respond. Like not even a verbal response, just any response. Like: "Jeffery, What's it like to be a parrot?" "....." "All right, well, f*ck you then."
-- Eitan, 26
I sing to my cat, putting her name into other song lyrics. She loves it because she knows that tone of voice. A personal favorite is set to the "Josie and the Pussycats" theme song. Get it? Because she's a cat.
-- Emily, 25
I have four cats, so I'm a bonafide crazy cat lady. But if having four cats isn't weird enough for you ... I also like to sing songs to my cats but replace the words with "meow" OR make up lyrics about my cats and their wonderfulness. I don't think they appreciate my musical prowess as much as I enjoy singing to them, but ... whatevs.
-- Gillian, 24
People feed them like they’re people, which makes me feel weird.
I feed my dog sage water (for her cough), a spoon of honey and sprinkle her food with cinnamon when she's sick. Also, endless selfies with the pooch is a MUST (yuh gotta!).
-- Tamara, 26
They teach them to do people things. Like, just chill with a person.
My husky is really good at eating from my fork and chopsticks ... don't judge us.
-- Jim, 39
Full disclosure: This girl’s dog is the size of a person, and it scared me.
IDK if this counts, but my dog is enormous and I carry her around like a baby.
-- Nina, 26
I like to rub my dog Chloe's belly really hard and yell at her about being fat. “Hey, Chloe, why are you SO FAT JESUS CHLOE STOP EATING ALL THOSE MILK BONES NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU JESUS CHRIST.” I fat-shame my dog and it’s totally cool, right? Also, I like to bite my cat’s nose. Lightly — I don’t hurt her. She’s still a kitten and she lets me be a dick to her, but I know my time is a-comin’. I also kiss Chloe on her nose every morning when I wake up. We spoon together at night.
-- Izabella, 23
Chooch deserves to be shamed, honestly.
I poop-shame my cat, Chooch. “WHY IS YOUR POOPY SMELLY BUTT ON MY BED IT JUST HAD POOP COMING OUT OF IT WHY ARE YOU GROSS?” ALSO if there’s ever a bug or a spider, I grab Chooch and leave her in a room with it until she eats it so I don’t have to deal with it. Hey, ASPCA!
-- Ari*, 23
People act like stuff like this is OK, and it isn’t OK.
It's super normal for my dog to come into the bathroom with me. She actually sits on the bathroom rug facing away from me as if she wants to support me by being in there but she also wants to give me my privacy. Also, if I'm taking a shower, she'll wait in there with me and then she'll basically lick my legs until they're dry. We are BFFs.
-- Tina, 23
He went psycho because he’s a cat. Just sayin’.
I left a package delivery box out for my cat to hang out in (cats love boxes) and took it out to recycling a few days later. But then my cat started going totally psycho and sprinting around, meowing obnoxiously and being generally weird. A few days later I got another delivery, left the box out again, and suddenly the cat was calm. So now I leave an empty cardboard box out in my apartment just to keep the cat from going berserk again. Basically what I'm saying is that my cat has taken over the apartment.
-- Alexandra, 23
People treat animals like they are children.
I am obsessed with my dog (he even has his own Instagram and sadly has more followers than me). I do a lot of weird shit with my dog... I make up new nicknames for him daily ("Peanut butter," "Wolf," "Moose," "Boo-boo bear," "Bear," etc). I also talk in what I believe to be his voice all the time when it's just the two of us. His name is really proper so I always think of him as being high-class and a gentleman, so clearly he calls me "mother." tl;dr: I am 100 percent convinced my dog calls me "mother."
-- Stacey, 30
And some people have pets that are celebrities.
My cat is a minor Internet celebrity and my boyfriend and I do a whole character/voice for our cat in which he is an aristocratic diva who is always looking back on his old show days and judging other "common" cats. (I got him from a shelter but he happened to have been dumped by a breeder and is a purebred and former show cat.) On some days he retires to his bed, which we call his "sulk cave" and where we imagine him just watching old clips from his career and asking us to leave his food outside the door. I also have "conversations" with him in which I respond to his meows as if he is actually saying things to me. "Meow." "Oh really?" "Meow." "Is that so?" "Meow." "Tell me more."
You may have heard that Kylo is very vocal. A video posted by Kylo Ren (@catam_driver) on Jan 22, 2016 at 7:21pm PST
-- Emily, 32
They even give them toys like they're children and not pets who don’t know what a toy is. Because they are pets, and not children.
I talk to mine and she's stone-deaf. Is that weird enough? And I feed her sock-monkey obsession.
-- Suzanne, 50
And then there is this.
Every pet I've lost is sitting on my mantle (sorry to my hubby) and he knows and others do as well, that I want my first (Shiner) to be buried with me. When both of my last pups had to be put down, they had steak dinners and enjoyed chocolate and any other human food they wanted as well as a doggy cake I made for them.
-- Molly, 24
Let’s end with more talking-to-the-f*cking-pet-like-a-person.
IDK how weird this is, but I'm convinced my sister's dog has a voice, so when he looks at me a certain way or does something ridiculously cute and funny I like to narrate his actions/thoughts in that voice. Like "UH, Aunt J ... I'm, uh, just gonna rest my head right here on your leg under the table and, uh ... I'll just wait ... ya know, hang out ... just in caseeee you might want to share.”
-- Jennifer, 21
You are all freaks. Goodbye.
*Name has been changed.