It's common knowledge among real, diehard feminists that Valentine’s Day was created by the patriarchy and designed to promote overeating bad candy and drinking alone. That's Feminism 101.
But you can only ignore the arbitrary Hallmark holiday as well as you can ignore the gender wage gap in America. So what's a hardcore feminist to do?
Luckily, extreme feminists love to have a good time just like the rest of us; they just put their own social justice twist on things.
Take a few notes and you, too, can celebrate Valentine’s Day like a true anti-establishment super feminist.
Turn the tables on gift-giving.
Buy him a diamond bracelet. Better yet, buy an uncomfortable lace negligee for your boy toy to wear. If he isn't a feminist already, he'll totally come around once he's in garters and crotchless panties.
Have a relaxed brunch with your gal pals.
Girl time is the best time for relaxing, and this one’s for all the non-traditionalist ladies out there. Start by inviting your coven over for a fun day of feminine crafts like stabbing voodoo dolls of "Girls Gone Wild" creator Joe Francis.
Toast with champagne glasses full of Donald Trump's tears (available online), and for brunch, roast male hearts over an open flame. They pair well with Sriracha.
Enjoy sexy bedroom fun times — with a twist.
Dress up like Elizabeth Cady Stanton for the bedroom. Read each other quotes from her opus while respectfully shaking hands with equally firm grips.
This sex session just got an education... in feminist theory.
Reject consumerism with easy, DIY presents.
Don’t be a slave to the patriarchal, consumerist status quo. Handcraft your own paper cards out of pulp from recycled feminist zines and use your own blood for ink. It’s more personal that way.
Watch a movie that passes the Bechdel Test.
You're left with either Dolly Parton's "Coat of Many Colors" or "Carol." Why not have a double feature?
Host a beach bonfire.
Bring extra bras in case one of your absent-minded feminist pals forgets to bring hers.
Spend a day reflecting in the great outdoors.
Run naked through the woods like a true Amazonian while you hunt boy children with bows and arrows. Pro tip: Archery is way easier when you cut your left breast off.
It's a wholesome day of family fun!
Seriously, though, if you want to do something cool and edgy this Valentine's Day, show your love for V-Day and support One Billion Rising. It's way better than gorging on NECCO sweethearts and hoping they'll magically taste better.