Let's be practical. Usain Bolt is so fast, we should replace the verb "to run" with "to Usain Bolt."
Here's a side story. When I was in high school, I decided to try track. I didn't think I'd have any skill at it, so you can imagine my surprise when I found out I was pretty decent at the 100-meter sprint.
Of course, a few weeks into training, I horribly injured a muscle around my hip during a sprint and developed a limp for three months, Richard III-style. That was the last time I decided to "Usain Bolt," so to speak.
Until now, that is.
Usain Bolt just took home the gold for the 100-meter dash in Rio, after giving the greatest Roadrunner-esque grin toward his struggling opponents during the semifinals.
"MEEP MEEP, SUCKAS!"
In honor of the fastest man in the world, the New York Times offered a test that measured your clicking reflexes to a starting pistol sound effect against Usain Bolt's 0.155 second starting block reaction time.
Well, I tried it for about 20 minutes and here's what happened.
On the first try, I managed to tie with Usain's incredible starting block reaction.
I called my mom afterwards and she was so shocked... that I thought she would care in the slightest. Then she hung up. I could tell she was too emotional for words.
"But hold up," I thought to myself. Maybe this was just like my hidden talent in high school track? Maybe I can do so much better than 0.155 and I don't even know it?
Well, then I did do it. I broke my own f*cking record and did so James Bond-style.
Tim McGovern... women want him (sometimes), Usain Bolt wants to be him (probably not really).
But then I scrolled down and saw that, apparently, the New York Times thinks I'm "too fast" to be a human and that I "false-started."
Wow. I am not a robot, New York Times. Even gifted athletes like myself have feelings too.
But if you think for a single second or even for a 0.007 seconds that I was going to let a base accusation bring my clicking career down, you'd be so wrong.
That's when I did it. I beat Usain Bolt again (by clicking a button).
No, New York Times. This isn't Justin Gatlin. This is me, Timothy McGovern.