'Tortoise Walker' Is Your New Dream Job You Didn't Even Know Existed


The other day, my 4-year-old and I had the following exchange:

He literally couldn't comprehend any kind of job that didn't involve wearing a uniform or driving some kind of specialized truck. (He also thinks driving any kind of vehicle is a job; he's told me before that he wants to be a "motorcycle man" when he grows up.)

Anyway, despite my son's disdain, I thought I was pretty happy with this whole writing and editing gig. That is, until I came across this job ad in the Craigslist "Gigs" section, advertising an opening for a tortoise walker. It's OK. Take a moment to let it sink in.

Titled "Wanted: Tortoise Walker," the post describes a position that I've been waiting for my whole life without even realizing it. See the description below:

Yes, that's right, you get to push a tortoise around in a stroller as part of this position:

Then you get to essentially sit around in the soon-to-be-sunny park and just watch a 16-year-old African tortoise chill. What could possibly be any better than this job? Also, Henry seems chill AF. He basically just wants to go to the park and eat garbage. I mean, LOOK AT THIS GUY.

Living the dream.

I don't care if I have to eat ramen noodles for the rest of my life, I want to walk this G-D tortoise!!!! I sort of want to cry just thinking about it. I love you Henry, and I don't even know you.

But realistically, I'm not sure I can support my child and I on the 10-dollar-an-hour tortoise-walking salary, so I guess this gig is still open for Manhattan residents. If you want to apply, no "tortoise experience" is necessary. You just have to respond to the ad with a description of your schedule and animal experience.

Go forth now, and live out my tortoise-walking dreams. And if you get the gig, tell Henry I said I'll never forget him.