The Weinstein Company

A Porno Title For Every Zodiac Sign

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As a society, we turn to astrology for answers.

We're all curious about when we'll get married or what career we're best suited for, and astrology has provided a lot of useful info on those subjects.

But what about the really deep life questions we have burning in our souls?

I'm talking about that all-encompassing, universal question of what kind of pornos we would make and what kind of pornos we'd enjoy, based on our zodiac signs.

If you're like me, these are the mysteries that keep you up at night, alert with questions buzzing louder than your vibrator.

So here, finally, are the answers.

Aries: "Village of The Rammed"

Aries is the sign of the ram, so I couldn't resist the pun within a pun.

Based off the plot of "Village of The Damned," I would hope this flick includes a quiet coastal town being invaded by an unseen force that leaves 10 women mysteriously pregnant with demon children.

And it's not only because it's proper fan fiction, but because Aries is just enough of a whore to inseminate an entire town with their impulsive lack of contraception.

Taurus: "American Booty"

Taureans are a sensual sign and often have curvaceous, Rubenesque physiques, like little chubby angels.

They are lovers of beauty and the earth, so the cover of this porno alone would have them sold.

Not to mention, Taureans love a nice ass. It's a sign of someone who appreciates good food, and this sign knows how to eat.

I mean food, but also booty.

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Gemini: "You've Got Male"

Gemini is the sign ruled by Mercury, planet of communication.

You're the ones on Tinder who seem to be more into texting than actually setting a date to hang out. You're turned on by any foreplay that involves a phone, so for this movie, I'd suggest turning yours to vibrate and sitting on it.

Yes, it's a gay porn, but even if you aren't gay, good wordplay and the sound of an email notification equals O-town for Gemini.

Cancer: "Quantum Deep"

Cancers are lovers of history (ruled by the fourth house of ancestry), so a classic vintage porno that involves a time-traveling protagonist landing in 1977 to do butt stuff in a disco not only tickles their genitals, but also their curious minds.

And right before the film, there's also a vintage AIDS awareness PSA starring pornstar Wendy Whoppers.

Nobody appreciates being lectured by a woman with huge knockers more than a Cancer because they're obsessed with their moms.

Leo: "Game of Bones: Winter is Cumming"

I didn't know pornographic fan-fiction that contains only 5 percent more nudity than its source material was a thing, but thanks to HBO, that is now possible.

Leo is the sign of the lion, the kings and queens of the jungle, and also of the bedroom.

A battle to rule over an entire country (using the power of their crotchal regions) is a likely fantasy for a Leo.

They love an epic battle for the sake of sexual satisfaction that ends in death.

Not to mention, they'll appreciate all the elaborate costumes (before they come off, that is).

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Virgo: "Inspect Her Gadget"

While I haven't done the necessary research on this movie, the sound of it is perfect for a hypochondriac like Virgo.

Virgo is ruled by the sixth house of health, and if they could get paperwork signed by a doctor that says their partners' pineapple is clean before jumping into bed with them, they'd do it.

Then, they'd check it on their own — with a microscope — just to be sure.

Libra: "Inrearendence Day"

"In the end, we all cum together" is the happy ending that Libra has always been looking for.

Being the sign of justice, ruled by the scales, a Libra won't be entirely happy with a smut film unless they know everyone is being treated fairly not just on screen, but also off.

It's why so many female Librans stick to lesbian porn. This way, they know nobody is being dominated, and they aren't supporting the patriarchy.

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Scorpio: "The Whores Have Eyes"

You can't shock Scorpio when it comes to sex.

They've seen every porn out there, but being the sign of sex, death, mystery and investigation, they'll at least appreciate one that thrills them with more than just sex and that appeals to their darker sensibility.

Being sexually accosted in the middle of an isolated desert by a mutant whore (with eyes) should probably do the trick.

Sagittarius: "Horat"

Sagittarians don't take sex that seriously. They consider it more of an athletic activity, a team sport.

Not only does this parody porn appeal to a Sagittarian sense of humor, but it also appeals to their undying love of international travel.

I just hope the scene where he gets his face stuck in the ass crack of his traveling buddy is left unchanged in this version.

Capricorn: "Pulp Friction"

Capricorns love status, money and power. Sexually, they tend to stick to whatever they know best, but they're loyal and protective lovers.

They're just as protective as Marsellus is over his wife Mia Wallace in the original movie, although I'm not entirely sure this was meant to be a parody version.

It still deals with the two things Capricorn gets off to the most, sex and money, in that order.

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Aquarius: "E~3: The Extra Testicle"

Aquarians are the biggest freaks in the sheets of the entire zodiac.

They'll try anything once because they're so inventive and off-beat, like mad scientists. They also somehow don't fit in in this world, and they suffer from a feeling of being not quite like everyone else.

It's kind of like the third testicle in this movie.

So in a way, "E~3: The Extra Testicle" is both a porno and a metaphorical biography for Aquarians all over the world.

Pisces: "Saturday Night Beaver"

Pisces are all very creative, and they are natural actors with their inborn ability to believe their own lies.

When it comes to sex, they love to dress up for their partners and enact their very rich fantasy life, often with the assistance of drugs or alcohol.

If "Saturday Night Beaver" is anywhere near as colorfully dressed and booze-soaked as the original movie, it'll be a dream come to life for Pisces.