Christmas: It's that special time of year when Christians get together to celebrate the birth of our savior, Jesus Christ, who was actually not born in December at all.
Christmas, over the centuries, has strayed pretty far from the man it purports to celebrate, and nowhere is this more apparent than in my beautiful home: the United States of America.
Here in my native land, we celebrate Jesus by buying televisions, yelling at our parents for suddenly refusing to pay for our data plans and decorating trees that were not indigenous to the Middle East at all.
At this point, Christmas is pretty much a capitalist money orgy, and I love it more than anything.
But it got me thinking, what if Jesus could see how we celebrate his birthday?
What I'm saying is: What if Jesus had a time machine and came to America?
Please take a look at this complex equation to better understand my premise:
Jesus could walk on water, mass produce H2O-wine and he was the world's first zombie for sh*t's sake -- so yeah, I bet he could make himself a time machine.
Actually, he probably did just that. I'm assuming he is the one who actually came up with "Seinfeld." Because that sh*t is sacred.
But if Jesus time-traveled to our world, he'd be pretty weirded out about how we worship his birth.
Hey, Jesus, we like presents more than we like you.
He'd probably be disappointed in us...
What, Jesus? You think it's weird millions of people freaked out because a coffee company didn't put snowflakes on its cups this year? What do you know? I bet you only drank tea, dork.
...and deeply confused.
Listen, Jesus, we celebrate your b-day with lots of winter-themed things and animals! Deal with it!
But maybe if he watched some of our movies about the holiday, he'd understand where we are coming from a bit better.
No, Jesus, it's about terrible parents who keep forgetting their child exists.
I know Santa Claus is a saint and all, but I'm pretty sure an old, white, magical gift-giver who rides a flying sleigh and breaks into people's homes is not what Jesus had in mind when he was inventing the whole Christianity thing.
Jesus, look, we just tell kids Santa is real and when they are old enough we take it back and explain we were lying to make them behave.
"But does that deceit make the kids wonder whether I am just made up too?"
Um. No. It definitely does not do that. That is not what happens.
But, most of all, he'd just be cold. Dude wore sandals.
Two words, JC: long underwear.