48 Thoughts You Have When Taking An Uber Home While Drunk

by Connor Toole

It's the wrong side of midnight on a Friday, and you're at a bar you'd normally never go to, getting molested by a steady stream of increasingly insufferable people, sucking up whatever flavor remains at the bottom of your glass.

You've spent the last two minutes staring hazily at your reflection on the mirror on the wall, and it's very clear that in your current state you are far from the fairest person of them all.

It's time to leave, and being the moderately-paid Millennial you are, there's only one way you're getting home: Uber.

Every drunk ride is its own unique adventure, but after taking way too many of them, I've been able to piece together a few thoughts I've found myself having on the typical journey home.

"The pin isn't even close to where I am."

"Wait? Where am I again?"

"I stand corrected."

"This corner seems like a good enough spot as any."

"I hope my driver has a name I can make fun of on Instagram."

"Am I racist?"

"Does it normally take this long to get a ride?"

"Can puking once really affect your passenger rating that much?"

"Am I'm going to get a Prius or a Camry?"


"Camry it is."

"Larry? Didn't see that coming."

"I hope he's not a talker."

"Is that him?"

"What was the license plate? I think that's him."

"That definitely wasn't him. Oops."

"Who the hell is calling me right now?"

"Oh, that's right."

"Why he is across the street? I should have picked a different corner."

"Am I supposed to wear a seat belt?"

"Where's the water? He has to have water! Who doesn't have water?"

"Breathe. Breathe. Breathe."

"I wouldn't have pegged Larry as a fan of reggaeton."

"I wonder if this ride is directly contributing to the growth of a grossly unregulated industry making life difficult for thousands of people who rely on taxis to support themselves and their families."

"I have to pee."

"Did I close my tab?"

"Is that a quarter on the floor? Nice!"

"Wait a second -- who the f*ck is the person sitting next to me?"

"I didn't accidentally do that Pool thing, did I?"

"Is he sleeping?"

"Is he breathing?"

"Oh, thank God."

"Was that a 7-Eleven?"

"Maybe I should have him stop. It would only take a couple of minutes."

"I wonder if Uber drivers ever challenge people from Lyft to meet them in a back alley for a rumble like they did in 'The Outsiders.' That would be awesome."

"Hold up -- wasn't that the turn back there?"

"I don't recognize this area. Where is he going?"

"He's taking me for a ride. This is ridiculous!"


"Did I agree to surge pricing? I don't remember."

"Sh*t. I guess I did."

"I don't remember putting my parents' credit card on here."

"I doubt they'll even notice."

"Five stars! You go, Larry!"

"I hope I didn't leave anything in the car."

"Nope. Pretty sure I remembered everything."

"I really wish I had a taquito right now."

"Aaaaaaaaaaaand I'm puking."