20th Television

17 Thoughts You'll Probably Have When You Go Out On Thanksgiving Eve

There are virtually no Wednesdays where you can have an aggressive night out without having to worry about dealing with the consequences on Thursday morning, and that's why Thanksgiving Eve seems to be one of the most popular drinking nights of the year.

In a weekend filled with traditions, this is the first many people celebrate (if we're not including "traveling somewhere at the same time as every other person in the country because society hasn't figured out a more practical way to do holidays yet").

The timeline is fairly simple: You get back to your parents' house and realize they still get on your nerves, so you rectify the problem by going to a local bar and noticing you feel the same way about a lot of the people you went to high school with.

You'll probably have a lot of thoughts over the course of the night, some of which may inadvertently become statements depending on how well you manage to pace yourself.

Here are a few of the many things you'll probably want to try to keep to yourself.

1. "I'm glad to see every single member of my graduating class had the exact same idea as me."

2. "I wonder what it's like to grow up in a town with more than one bar that doesn't cater to people who just order 'a beer' from the bartender."

3. "Should I let the bartender know I recognize him or should I wait to see if he wants to acknowledge my existence, too?"

4. "How much can I tip before it seems like I'm being patronizing? I don't want this to turn into a scene from 'Waiting.'"

5. "I guess I should have known the kid who wore a suit to school every day would order a scotch at a dive bar."

6. "Am I still supposed to have an irrational amount of hatred for the people who went to a rival high school?"

7. "I know he's technically old enough to drink, but my friend's little brother will always be 12 years old as far as I'm concerned."

8. "I'm glad the valedictorian is wearing a Yale sweatshirt in case we forgot."

9. "How do the theater kids still insist on belting out Broadway show tunes every time they have more than one drink?"

10. "Am I weird for not keeping in touch with my high school friends or are they weird ones for all deciding to go to the same college?"

11. "I'd ask that guy how his life is going, but I think the varsity letterman jacket he's wearing tells me everything I need to know."

12. "I wonder how many people are still wearing a purity ring."

13. "Is he still trying to pull off that mustache?"

14. "Oh look, it's the first person who saw my genitals."

15. "Is it weird if I offer to buy them a drink?"

16. "Does my old English teacher wait for this night to hit on his old students at a bar or is this just a typical Wednesday for him?"

17. "I'm not sure why I thought there would be Uber in a town with 7,000 people."

18. "Should I risk asking my parents for a ride home if there's a chance I won't remember what I said on the way back?"