I am a THIRSTY girl. I know "thirsty" means "horny" now. I get it. And, yes, I am thirsty for dick too. But what I am referring to now is ACTUAL THIRST. Like, I'm thirsty for f*cking liquid.
I mean, think about it: Is there any feeling in the world that is worse than feeling thirsty?
I am the queen of being parched. I don't even remember the last time I felt hydrated. I get to my desk at 9 am, and by 11, I've already consumed the entire liter bottle of seltzer that I've brought from home.
I make four trips to the store for more seltzer every day. I hit up the water cooler about 12 times. I'm in the bathroom every other minute. It's a wonder how I ever get anything done here at Elite Daily.
Anyway, if you're a thirsty-ass person like me, you will understand all too well the problems we face.
So, here are 17 struggles of always being parched.
Yours in (literal) thirst, xoxo Auntie Gigi
1. Your gym water bottle is bigger than your body.
You have to bring a water bottle the size of a planet to every fitness class. You can see the looks of wonder and/or judgment from your fellow fitness folks, but you don't care.
When you're lifting, you'd better believe that that sh*t is coming with you from machine to machine.
2. You have to wake up to pee 11 times a night.
You will never sleep through the night, since you have to get up to pee nine million times. BAE gets mad because it wakes him up. You can't not drink before bed; you're too frickin' parched.
3. You are the definition of water weight.
Your stomach is full of liquid, but you still drink more. It doesn't matter how often you hit up the gym; you'll always be bloated, because you consume an ocean's worth of water. Your body can't keep up.
4. Your mouth is always as dry as a desert.
Your mouth always feels like you inhaled some sand. No matter how much you drink, your thirst is never quenched. You need a constant flow of liquid to keep yourself sane.
5. You cannot leave the house without a portable drink.
If you forget to bring a drink, you either have to stop somewhere or turn back. No exception. Getting stuck on the subway is scary only because you're afraid you'd forget to bring water.
6. You waste money at every meal on a drink.
You can't go to lunch and NOT get a drink with your meal. That would be madness. You always end up begrudgingly shelling out an extra few dollars on drinks. It adds up quickly.
7. You break your workflow for drink breaks.
You can never stay in your creative flow because you constantly have to stop to get more water or tea. You can't work or focus when you're thirsty, since you're constantly making trips to and from the fridge.
8. Your boyfriends are forced to stock your favorite beverages.
He knows he has to keep your favorite drinks available if he ever expects you to stay over. If he doesn't, you'll drag him to the store at inappropriate hours to buy your drinks. Your thirst must always be quenched.
9. Your bag is mad heavy.
Your purse is heavy as hell because you have to carry around a gigantic bottle with you everywhere you go. The bright side is that you're basically weightlifting by just living your thirsty life.
10. You never feel hydrated.
It feels like no matter how much you drink, you could always drink more. When you're hungover, it's like you are a dried-out sponge -- brittle, wrinkled and helpless. You don't know what it feels like to be satiated.
11. If you get into bed without a drink on your nightstand, the night is ruined.
Getting into bed and realizing you've forgotten a beverage is a f*cking life ruiner. Now you have to make the horrible, life-altering decision: Do I get out of bed and risk being awake all night, or do I stay here and lie awake in misery?
12. You get a little paranoid about your water intake.
You've heard the stories of people high on ecstasy drowning themselves from the inside out by drinking too much water. You also know there is no physical way they could drink more water than what you ingest on a daily basis. SOS!
13. You go to the bathroom 7000 times a day.
Got an important meeting? That sucks. Need to meet a friend in five minutes? Oh, well! It's the first date, and you've already peed twice? Too bad -- you have to pee again. Your life is a constant stream of peeing or needing to pee.
14. You often confuse hunger for thirst.
You often gorge yourself on so many drinks that you don't even have room to eat. You discover that you're starving, but you thought it was just thirst...because you're always f*cking thirsty.
15. You have to buy beverages by the liter.
Forget those little, single-serving BS bottles. You need your drinks in the heavy-duty, family-sized bottles. You drink it all in one sitting because YOLO.
16. You constantly have to hit up the grocery store for more drinks.
You can never buy in bulk because buying in bulk is just enough for one day. Your workout is basically you carrying 500 pounds of bottles back your apartment every day. God forbid you need other groceries. You don't have the manpower for that.
17. You are very picky about your beverages.
You have your drinks, and only those drinks will suffice. You want to punch people in the face when they say some bullsh*t like "Why don't you just have water?" or "Why don't you just drink from the tap?" No. You will have only your black cherry seltzer, and that is ALL.