The Soul-Crushing Timeline Of Finding An Apartment In New York City
You picked up the call. It was from the city that never sleeps.
You now have New York City fever. You got the job, you got the plane tickets and you have the sense of adventure. All you need now is the apartment.
Yes, you have heard it is pricey, but San Francisco and London are even more expensive. You can hack it. Taylor Swift said it was waiting for you, and she has never lied to you before.
So take a deep breath, and pull up some real estate websites. You are going to beat the odds, and here are 13 reasons why you are going to find a habitable apartment in Manhattan that isn't too expensive:
1. Six months before you move to the greatest city in the world:
Fantasize hard. Watch "Friends," sing songs from "Hamilton" and start asking people to call you Carrie (you are such a Carrie).
Think about all the amazing things you will do, like shopping on Park Ave or lunching in Central Park. You will be fabulous. You just know it.
2. Three months before:
Realize you should probably start looking for that dream apartment. Those three months are going to fly by.
You need to get something locked down. Start looking online for listings.
3. Two months and 29 days before:
Realize that all online listings want you to move in right away. Learn that you can only really start looking for an apartment about three weeks before your desired move-in date.
4. Two months and 28 days before:
Live in constant fear and existential dread. Being homeless? That could be you.
5. Three weeks before:
Look for places in your price range. You aren't going to be another starving artist. You have a good job, and you can get some where nice.
6. Two weeks and six days before:
LOL, just kidding. Everything is $1 billion.
Where is Brownsville? Is that nice?
I hear good things about Inwood. It's totally in Manhattan.
7. Two weeks before:
Look at 15 different expensive holes in Brooklyn. It's very hip right now.
8. One and a half weeks before:
Start to freak out a little, but it's OK. No matter where you live, you have your best friend by your side, and you are going to be amazing roomies.
9. One week and two days before:
You hate that b*tch. Her dad says she can't live anywhere in your price range, and now she's going to live with that girl you went to college with, Karen. Karen sucks.
So what if she can afford East Village? She is always at work. It's not like she can even enjoy it.
10. One week before:
Wait? You need to pay a fee to the guy who showed you the apartment? And he doesn't even have a realty license?
Oh wait, I also need my mother to sign my lease? I am 24 and have a job.
What is happening? I promise I have a totally normal credit score. What is this I am signing?
11. Six days before:
Sh*t, I am done with brokers. They're a bunch of crooks.
12. Four days before:
I guess it's time for Craigslist? Come one, I am sure the guy who posted he wanted "a female roommate, quiet, with nice toes" is totally normal. Plus, he doesn't even need two months security.
13. One day before:
Find the right place. Yes, even if it's on Craigslist. Realize that it's all going to be OK.
It's NYC, baby. You are still going to be fabulous.