The title of this article is a bit misleading, and for that I apologize. After all, there really is no way to not "fail" at SantaCon.
SantaCon is a lot like war in that way, because truly, everyone loses.
By the way, if you don't know what SantaCon is let me illuminate you: SantaCon is a special day in December when people get drunk in the middle of the day and fight one another in the snow while dressed as the one man that Christian children love more than their parents.
It's a bar crawl, but everyone is dressed as Santa. Or an elf. And it's happening tomorrow.
(Here is a video of a bunch of Santas fighting during SantaCon, so you get the idea.)
Now, the key to SantaCon is preparation.
Might I suggest UNIQLO's HeatTech™ undershirts and long underwear to don under your respective enraged Santa Claus and horny elf costumes?
If you've already purchased the necessary undergarments for the occasion, I have another suggestion to help you prepare for the festivities: A Santa hat that is also a flask.
Because what SantaCon really needs is more alcohol.
You can buy it on Amazon right now. Although at this point it may be too late to order (unless Amazon has implemented its owl delivery system yet).
It's not complicated. It's a hat, but with a flask in it. It will help you get drunk. You should've bought this.
Oh, and by the way, when I started writing this article, my editor messaged me to inform me that three people on the news team here had already bought this impressive piece of equipment for tomorrow.
I immediately asked to borrow one so that I might test it out for you, my loyal readers, and give it an adequate and honest review.
And I have done exactly that.
Here is my in-depth and heavily-researched video review of the Santa hat flask:
Be safe out there, weirdos.