Parents Of Reddit Describe All The Ways They've Caught Their Kids Masturbating

by Connor Toole

There aren't many things more terrifying than looking back at your younger days and realizing that you probably weren't as sneaky as you thought you were.

Whether it was watching movies with naked people late at night, doing drugs when your parents weren't home or furiously masturbating as frequently as possible, chances are you weren't as subtle as you might have convinced yourself at the time.

If that last paragraph was the catalyst for a myriad of memories from your pubescent years, I apologize. If it makes you feel any better, you're not the only one. Someone (I assume an enterprising 12-year-old) posted a thread on Reddit asking how parents can tell when their children masturbate.

The results are as hilarious as they are humbling.

Here are some of the best:

The water can't wash out the shame

I took a lot of long showers. Mid-day? Take a 45 minute shower. Just got out of the pool? 45 minute shower. Just woke up? 45 minute shower. Just got out of the shower? 45 minute shower. It was REALLY obvious now thinking about it. -AskAWhiteguy

You have no one to blame but yourself

Pre locked door, clear bedroom floor, Post locked door, underpants sitting in middle of carpet. -eaten_toast

This one is weird for so many reasons

when my mom goes out she tells me the exact time she will be home... im 20 -holladoub

Love stinks

The smell. Moms were not always moms, they dated and f*cked too. For f*ck sakes guys, THEY CAN SMELL YOUR CUM. -Pride_Of_Scotland

"Come on, mom" or "Mom on come?"

My 13 year old nephew cums on his floor because 'where else am I gonna do it?' I told my sister about this and the look on her face when she realized that those weird dried spots on her sons bedroom floor was priceless.

A few weeks after I told her about this she was in my nephew's room and stepped in something wet. She looked at her sock and looked at my nephew and said '(Nephew's name)... what did I just step in?' he looked at her and said 'Come on, mom, you know what it is.' -Hyphnip

It gets weird when you change clothes three times a day

Not a parent but when I was a kid, whenever my parents knocked on my bedroom door, I'd ALWAYS say 'I'm getting dressed, don't come in!' -MakeLoveToMeRandy

Technology has betrayed us all!

My stepson's door is closed, and his light on the router is going nuts. -wtfgwar

It's even worse than we thought!

if I unplug the modem while it's flashing like hell and I hear screaming my son is playing, if I don't hear a word he's fapping -whatyoudidthereisok

Perhaps his bowels are inflamed

Pooping three times in 1 hour is a pretty dead giveaway... -weinhimer

Sorry for being responsible

He washes his own socks. Yeah, that's not suspicious at all. -NeighborlyPerson

No one else does this?

When I was a teenager, we lived in a really small house, so I would put on a tape to cover the perceived sounds and assuage my masturbatory paranoia. But I also get distracted quite easily, so most music wouldn't do it. I tried them all, but the only tape that worked while I fapped was Breakfast in America by Supertramp.-StickleyMan

It probably set the mood better than Supertramp

Loudly playing Darude - Sandstorm to cover up the furious noises -frostfall_

The splashing is the real giveaway

Randomly decides to go take a "bath". Brings laptop so he can watch a "tv show" -dark_knight92

No one's lips are that dry

My little brother (15 years old) needs a new jar of Vaseline every few weeks for his "chapped lips" -BennyKB


I threw a towel over the basement window in my parent's house because that's where the computer was. My father asks, 'Son, why is there a towel there?'

'Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Mike [my friend down the street] was outside harassing me the other day, so I put that there to piss him off.'

An easy way to tell if they know is when they tell you that they know

My dad once yelled at my brother and me about the wastebasket next to the family computer. 'F*cking empty that trash! It smells like f*cking sperm in there!' -AdamFear

Photo Courtesy: SheKnows